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Graziano Pelle signs for what he assumes is a football club

Italian striker Graziano Pelle has spoken to journalists about his big-money transfer to what he is fairly sure is a football team in China.

A beaming Pelle told the assembled press corps that he couldn’t be happier about his move to Shandong Luneng and stressed that he couldn’t wait to make a significant contribution to whatever work it is that they do.

“It’s a real honour to sign for [Shandong Luneng],” Pelle told FFT. “I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life at what I presume to be a football club in China or thereabouts.

“I’m looking forward to taking on our local rivals from either Shandong or Luneng, I guess, and I believe we can win whichever title or cup or consumer award that we are eligible for.”

I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life at what I presume to be a football club in China or thereabouts

Pelle went on to state that the people he presumed must be his new team-mates had appeared to be a great bunch of lads and that what he had interpreted as morale was very high.

However, the ex-Southampton man became much more specific when he was asked about the financial side of the move.

“I will be paid £1,000 per second,” he revealed. “I will become the richest man in the known universe and I will own only the most exotic and treasured items in the word.

“The heavens and earth will be my playthings and all men will cater to my capricious whims. Plus I think there’s a goal bonus in there.”

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The questions were then directed at the owner of Shandong Luneng, Sun Hua, who expressed his excitement at the capture of a man he guessed must be one of the best strikers in Europe.

“This commodity [Graziano Pelle] must be of the highest grade [very talented] judging by its [his] price tag,” he told FFT.

“It had better score many goals or I will send it to toil in the salt mines for all eternity [loan him to Sunderland].”

Please note: This satirical story is not real. But you already knew that, right?

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