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Moyes fails in attempt to sign autograph

Manchester United manager David Moyes is facing a barrage of criticism after a disastrous few hours yesterday evening, during which he failed to complete the long-expected signing of his own name before the 11pm deadline imposed by Britain’s parents.


Moyes’s fumbling inability to maintain a sufficient grip on his biro, an unanticipated paper shortage, and widespread uncertainty as to whether he ought to include his middle name with his signature all contributed to the fiasco.


But these excuses are unlikely to mollify autograph-seekers, many of whom took to Twitter to point out that Moyes has had since July to learn how to write ‘David Moyes’ in a vaguely intelligible fashion. Many are demanding drastic improvements to his penmanship before January.


“This is the closest Moyesy [David Moyes] came to an autograph, but it’s hardly a classic,” said disgruntled fan Jermaine Langtree, holding up a photograph of Moyes covered in inky squiggles.


“Unless you knew it was him, you probably wouldn’t guess the first bit said ‘David’. If anything, it looks like ‘Daniel’. But the first bit is the model of clarity compared to the second bit. The second bit doesn’t even look like letters.”


“If you squint, it could say ‘Zeri’, or maybe ‘Efes’,” Langtree continued. “Or ‘Yey’, if you turn it ninety degrees to the right. But there’s no way there’s five letters in there. No way.”


Inevitably, comparisons have been drawn with Moyes’ predecessor Sir Alex Ferguson, who more than once delighted autograph hunters by waiting until the last minute to reveal a beautiful, cursive masterstroke.


“Fergie [Alex Ferguson] really knew his way around a fountain pen,” said 27-year old supporter Sophie Adams. “We’ve had some great autographs at United down the years. Roy Keane never ducked an autograph. Eric Cantona gave the best ink I’ve ever seen. Even Wayne Rooney learned how to make an X, eventually. Moyes needs to learn quickly that he can’t just make a crude potato print and expect to get away with it. This isn’t Everton."


In other United news, today’s training session has been delayed indefinitely while David Moyes attempts to sign for delivery of a fridge.