Afternoon, Peter. If you were a wrestler, what stage name would you use – bearing in mind Ray Stubbs recently opted for ‘The Stubb Dogg’?
The Stubb Dogg? That’s a good name. I think it’d have to be something to do with me head, 'cos they call me Gorilla head.
Do they really?
(Laughing) Yeah, they do. Why don’t we go for Grilla?
The very name strikes fear, Grilla. You could ‘do’ The Stubb Dogg, right?
Only if I grew a bit and put on a lot of weight (laughs). Make sure you put that in. Make sure The Stubb Dogg sees that (laughs).
Right, onto business: have you ever left the house without any underpants on?
Yes.
Yes? When? And why? In that order.
All the time. And why not?
What’s wrong with pants?
What’s fucking right with them, more like. If you wash yourself and keep yourself clean, I don’t see any reason why you should wear underpants.
Are you wearing any as we speak?
No, just me jeans.
Probably best we move on. Ever been Morris dancing?
Unfortunately, in Huyton, where I was brought up, there wasn’t really much of a Morris dancing scene. I think had I been brought up in a rural community I’d have been dancing around that maypole, but I don’t think it would have gone down too well in Huyton.
Much of a dancer, Grilla?
Can I dance? Yeah, but very badly. I’m very wooden. Give me a few bottles of wine and I become… well, even woodener really.
How much booze can you drink before you forget your way home?
I’m not bad, to be fair.
What does that mean?
It means that I'm not bad, I can kick on.
Well how do you rank on FourFourTwo’s special All-England Booze-O-Meter: at the bottom end, we’ve got Bobby Charlton with a small glass of sweet sherry. At the top end, it’s Bryan ‘Robbo’ Robson, the legendary boozebag and his yard of Special Brew. Where are you sat?
I don’t think it’s up to me to say (laughs modestly). Let’s just say I’ve had a few drinks with Robbo.
And you kept up with him?
I wasn’t bad. I could actually remember a few of the nights, so I did alright.
Have you ever drunk booze from a shoe, with or without Robbo?
From a shoe? Not that I can remember. When I was a young lad I was in Ibiza and I drank vodka and Listermint (laughs). We’d run out of mixers so mouth wash seemed like a good idea.
And was it?
Well my breath smelt great afterwards, but I was bollocksed.
When did you last flounce about in women’s clothes?
(Ponders for a minute) I haven’t worn women’s clothes, it’s not my bag I’m afraid. I’d love to say it was but it’s not. I’m sure there’s a feminine side of me to find but I’ve not gone looking for it (laughs).
What was the first thing you ever shop lifted?
The first thing? I can’t remember, I think it was probably a Lucky Bag from a newsagent called Forbuoys. You know, those bags with little sweets and toys in 'em.
Did you get away with it?
Well up to now I have, yeah (laughs). If I get a visit from the police, I’ll know who to blame (laughs).
When was the last time you slept in your shed?
(Laughs heartily, for some reason) I’ve got a couple of sheds but I’ve never slept in either of them. I did sleep on a bench once, but never in the shed. I wouldn’t rule it out though.
Was it a park bench? Were you drinking with the tramps?
No, I just got home late one night and had lost me keys and couldn’t wake anyone up, so I slept on the bench round the back. It wasn’t the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had.
Had you been out with Robbo?
No, no, not on this occasion, although I had had a drink (laughs).
Alright, Grilla, last question, and given that this is a World Cup Special AASQ, a token nod to football with this one: why oh why oh why didn’t you just kick Maradona square in the swingers when you had the chance?
If I'd been on what he was on I'd have caught him, let's put it that way.
It’s been a pleasure, Grilla. Bye.
No problem, ta-ra.
From the July 2006 issue of FourFourTwo.
