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Rangers save face in Europa League with 93rd-minute liquidation


Only some very quick thinking from the Rangers board prevented the worst result in the club’s history against Progres Niederkorn last night.

The Scottish side were staring down the barrel of an embarrassing European exit at the hands of the Luxembourgish minnows when they heroically pulled off a last-gasp liquidation.

I heard Rangers lost to a team from Luxembourg last night! That’s pathetic. Really glad that has nothing to do with us

Having definitively exhausted any possibility of finding the Niederkorn net when it emerged that the hosts were equipped to deal with a 40-yard hoofed ball, Rangers’ players instead began completing the paperwork necessary to file for the club to shut down and reform as A Completely Different Rangers Football Club Plc.

While the odds seemed stacked against them, Rangers managed to FedEx the necessary forms with just seconds of the match remaining before the players fell to the turf exhausted.

“We had to dig deep to get Form B6557 filled in and notarised, but we managed it,” Lee Wallace told FourFourTwo

“I heard Rangers lost to a team from Luxembourg last night! That’s pathetic. Really glad that has nothing to do with us.”

Reports suggest that in addition to Rangers folding, manager Pedro Caixinha also changed his name by deed poll during the second half, before realising he didn’t really need to bother as nobody knows who he is anyway.

The result was clearly also a massive shock to Niederkorn’s players, most of whom had responded to an ad in a local paper asking for players for a kickaround, while others believed they were attending a car boot sale.

“It was my first time playing football and I can’t say I really enjoyed it,” Sebastien Thill, who struck the winner, told FourFourTwo.

“I had come down hoping to play a game of Ultimate [Frisbee] but ended up having to play [football]. Still, at least we won [an historic victory over Rangers].”

The only silver lining for Rangers fans is that their defeat has lowered Scotland’s UEFA coefficient to the extent that Celtic’s 1966/67 European Cup triumph has been retrospectively awarded to Jeunesse Esch. 

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, clearly.

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