Tea parties and a revolting Levante
"And there'll be cake... and there'll be games". Oh dear. "And there'll be jelly! And I can invite all my friends."
Marca has turned into a seven-year-old girl. "And we'll build a big wigwam! And play in the tree house."
That's because Marca is planning Real Madrid's title tea party, on Sunday, in the event that Raul is inched up to place a scarf on the Cibeles fountain, to celebrate the blessed end of the poorest of Primeras. Except Raul won't be winched up on a crane, as this time round the local council has given permission for the club captain to climb up himself.
A sheepish Raul celebrates last year's league title
The other outstanding news is that Real Madrid's recently launched recycling drive is all going very well with 191 tonnes collected. And the player chosen to promote the club's campaign to get rid of old rubbish? Guti. Joke writes itself, really.
And that's about as thrilling as it gets in the Spanish capital at the moment, with the fact that some certain Catalunyans have a Wednesday night Champions League semi-final being largely overlooked. Especially when there are more Cesc-and-Ronaldo-to-Real rumours to make up.
Marca have dealt with the sensitive matter of Frank Rijkaard being burgled by publishing a floor plan of his house with access points detailed. Which is handy for anyone wishing to repeat the feat should his side make it to Moscow in May.
One story which no one appears to be taking very seriously is Levante's imminent strike. Despite meetings with the local council and financial nstitutions, the club's leadership have yet to raise the capital required to pay the players a small sum of what they are owed - a sum that would call off any action planned for this weekend.
Marca have covered the issue off with two paragraphs on page 26; AS have left it to page 30, albeit including an interview with the club captain. "We want to play, but we need a solution to call off the strike", said Luis Rubiales.
New Valencia chump Voro has spoken about the possibility of the Ronald Koeman-exiled trio David Albeda, Miguel Angel Angulo and Santi Canizares returning to the footballing fold. "I have complete liberty", beamed the new boss as he spoke of the board lifting the barmy ban imposed on/by the previous incumbent.
AS's Valencia columnist has got his grovelling in early by comparing the new guy with the old one. "Voro is everything different to Koeman," he oozed. "Personable, discreet, conciliatory, prudent... and a
good man and great Valencia man for a bad time".
And those charmsters at Betis have been in action yet again, with club president Pepe Leon responding to coach Paco's complaints that he had yet to receive confirmation over his contract renewal: "The media say if I was Romanian or Argentinian, I would have been renewed," said Paco, rather bizarrely. The bigwig's response? "If a Romanian was here and we lost to Depor, Recre and Levante, then he would be back in Romania."