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As a UEFA Cup winner with Ipswich, European Cup runner-up with Liverpool and co-star with Michael Caine in Escape To Victory, midfielder Wark would have commanded more respect if his moustache’s wispy tendrils hadn’t summoned mental images of Droopy the dog.
The great Benfica striker and itinerant manager grew the very definition of a soup-strainer – in fact, the fish and salad courses were probably in there as well. Part Tintin’s Thomson and Thompson, part Tosh from The Bill, it was entirely magnificent.
We’re not saying the Notts County keeper definitely assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but if the overhanging monobrow and Dick Dastardly whiskers weren’t villainous enough, his name was Iremonger. Not Ironmonger – Iremonger. He monged ire. It’s a short step from arguing with referees (as he did) to starting a world war.
Blond ’taches don’t come much better than that adorning Dutch midfielder Frans Struis (translation: ‘French ostrich’). Indeed, it seemed to weigh down his face if he ever attempted to smile.
Combining bushiness with droopiness, Scotland one-cap wonder Hughes rocked impressive face fuzz at Sunderland and Leicester in the ’70s. ‘Robin Friday meets Burt Reynolds’ is an intimidating look in a dark alley.
Including Victorians in this list is basically cheating, but just look at him. Holmes survived the longest of Preston’s Invincibles, something we put down entirely to that moustache.
He’s a maverick down-and-out detective, one day from retirement, and he doesn’t play by the rules. Alternatively, he’s a 1980s Dutch defender who clearly lost a bet.
With his dominant monobrow, thick curls and bushy hedgerow on his top lip, Italian defender Bergomi often looked more hair than man. Extra points for the unevenness of the moustache.