Goalkeeper
Tried to make up for lack of height and ability by constantly barking instructions at his defenders, which they ignored because it was putting them off. Fluffed his first goal-kick; didn’t take any more after that.
One of their best players, despite being about 46. Wore supports on both knees. First in the shower, then shot off without going to the pub. The rest of the team can’t recall how they know him (and don’t really care).
Tall, overweight, loved the aerial challenges – but still lost most of them. Very slow. Relished telling the opposition centre-forward to “pick on somebody your own size” after a bit of aggro involving his pint-sized defensive partner. Downed a bottle of Bacardi Breezer afterwards.
Team’s worst and longest-serving player, who got the nod ahead of somebody much better. The boss’s son. They’re clearly trying to hide him at left-back.
Loads of ability, but none of it of any real use in a match situation. Cruyff-turned an opponent in his own penalty area, then scuffed the subsequent clearance into touch attempting a rabona down the line.
Their best player by miles. Was “on the books at Palace” but too modest to talk about it. Good-looking, great with women, well-paid job and an annoyingly nice bloke too.
The only left-footed player in the team. Pigeon-toed and stick thin. Insisted on taking all of the free-kicks, even in his own box. Doesn’t really like football any more thanks to a pushy dad when he was younger. Good at drag-backs.
Scored twice, celebrated on his own. Overheard talking about the 32 goals he scored last season. Team-mates overheard talking about the 57 simple chances he missed last season. Never passes. Ever.
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Win or lose, beat the booze
