Goalkeeper
Tried to make up for lack of height and ability by constantly barking instructions at his defenders, which they ignored because it was putting them off. Fluffed his first goal-kick; didn’t take any more after that.
Right-back
One of their best players, despite being about 46. Wore supports on both knees. First in the shower, then shot off without going to the pub. The rest of the team can’t recall how they know him (and don’t really care).
Centre-back
Crap Cannavaro copycat. Short, no slouch and better in the air than his partner, but easily pushed off the ball. Used to play up front, according to their lino. Wears a headband.
Centre-back
Tall, overweight, loved the aerial challenges – but still lost most of them. Very slow. Relished telling the opposition centre-forward to “pick on somebody your own size” after a bit of aggro involving his pint-sized defensive partner. Downed a bottle of Bacardi Breezer afterwards.
Left-back
Team’s worst and longest-serving player, who got the nod ahead of somebody much better. The boss’s son. They’re clearly trying to hide him at left-back.
Holding midfielder
Arrived late, asking if anybody had a spare pair of shinpads, then threw up behind the goal and warmed up with a Silk Cut and a bottle of Original Lucozade. Surprisingly good engine for a caner. Taken off with chest pains after an hour.
Holding midfielder
Captain, bully, plenty of graft, no guile. Slowed down going into several 70/30 challenges to make them 50/50s. The only player who seemed to enjoy the pre-match warm-up. Wears a short-sleeved shirt whatever the weather. Clearly hates himself and deep down wants to be loved.
Right winger
Loads of ability, but none of it of any real use in a match situation. Cruyff-turned an opponent in his own penalty area, then scuffed the subsequent clearance into touch attempting a rabona down the line.
In the hole
Their best player by miles. Was “on the books at Palace” but too modest to talk about it. Good-looking, great with women, well-paid job and an annoyingly nice bloke too.
Left winger
The only left-footed player in the team. Pigeon-toed and stick thin. Insisted on taking all of the free-kicks, even in his own box. Doesn’t really like football any more thanks to a pushy dad when he was younger. Good at drag-backs.
Striker
Scored twice, celebrated on his own. Overheard talking about the 32 goals he scored last season. Team-mates overheard talking about the 57 simple chances he missed last season. Never passes. Ever.
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