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Ferguson retires to spend more time with bleached skulls of enemies

The soon to be former Manchester United manager shares his future plans with Back of the Net's John Foster...

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement. English football's most successful and ruthless manager is standing down after 26 years at Manchester United, in which time he has accumulated two European Cups, five FA Cups, thirteen Premier League titles, and the skulls of countless vanquished enemies, which even now sit hollow and grinning beneath the 71-year old tactician's mighty feet.

"It's been the hardest decision of my life to step down," an emotional Ferguson told Manchester United's official television channel, MUTV. "For as long as I can remember, my enemies, and vanquishing those enemies, has been my life.

"Whether I'm making lists of my enemies, hunting down and capturing my enemies, or flaying the living flesh from the very skulls of my enemies, you could say I've always been an enemies man through and through."

Although the mutilation and slaughter of underperforming players was routine in the Scottish league, where Ferguson made his reputation, he gained particular notoriety for beheading his rivals with an electrical cord, in what was known as his 'hairdryer treatment.'

"Remember William Prunier? Exactly..."

The former Aberdeen tyrant also coined a number of expressions that have entered the footballing lexicon, including "squeaky bum time", "Football, eh? Bloody hell," and "Bring me the eyes of Andriy Kanchelskis." But despite consistently rubbishing rumours of his retirement - he once told a group of journalists "youse are all f**king idiots. Guards! Let no man live" - he was finally forced to admit that age is the one adversary he cannot vanquish and decapitate.

"I am increasingly aware that I can no longer seek out and overcome my foes with the same murderous passion as before", he said, wistfully passing from hand to hand the sun-bleached skull of his ex-assistant Brian Kidd. "Like many men my age, I'm looking forward to putting my feet up, playing some golf, and drinking fine French wine from the skulls of my enemies."

He took pains to stress, however, that he would continue to pursue his enemies on a part-time basis, beginning with Jaap Stam. Until last year Ferguson believed he had already turned his former player into a bleached skull, until it was revealed that Stam just looked like that naturally.

Ferguson will be replaced in the Old Trafford hotseat by David Moyes. Moyes' first priorities upon officially taking charge are expected to be a left-back, a winger, a central midfielder, and some new enemies.

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