West Ham fans make unreasonable demands of their managers because they are under the influence of a malevolent alien race, according to former boss Sam Allardyce.
The aliens, who Allardyce confidently identifies as the Demon Lizards of Skuhthang, have been using sophisticated mind-control techniques to cause the fans to demand possession-based football, as a precursor to invading and ultimately enslaving planet Earth.
“The metronomic passing game that [the aliens] demand is a ruse to hypnotise spectators into obedience to their cold-blooded whims,” Allardyce writes, midway through an anecdote about the time Alex Ferguson remembered his birthday.
“They [the Demon Lizards] have identified Upton Park as the perfect site for a temple dedicated to their evil god, Kharrizoth the Unholy,” he continues, several pages later, while expressing contempt for Arsène Wenger’s stance on half-time bacon. “I was the first to see through their dastardly plans, and held back their incursions by launching it long to Andy Carroll, who is anathema to Kharrizoth and his dark priests.”
Allardyce admits his claim is unlikely to go down well either with Hammers fans or with their extraterrestrial overlords, but insists that he deserves credit for preserving humanity’s independence in the face of repeated Demon Lizard attempts to infiltrate the world’s governments.
“Without me disrupting their slick one-touch triangles and ritualistic through-balls,” he concludes, “We’d all be speaking their evil alien tongue.”
Allardyce also identifies this evil language as Castilian Spanish, and in a possibly unrelated passage calls on all lovers of freedom to throw off their chains and strike down Rafael Benitez.
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