Simulated virtual universe unable to come up with anything better than Zlatan to Man United

Super-advanced computer simulation gives us most predictable transfer of all time, Back of the Net reveal

The artificial reality in which we were born, are living and will die is apparently incapable of giving us anything more exciting than Zlatan Ibrahimovic joining Jose Mourinho at Manchester United.

The inevitable coming-together of two of the world’s most divisive men and its most dislikable football club is something of a cop-out for the virtual-reality simulation, which could in theory do anything up to and indeed beyond the laws of physics.

As philosophers have pointed out, the simulated virtual universe in which we all live could just as easily have given human beings the power of telekinesis, or invented a new colour, or had Andres Iniesta move to Doncaster Rovers to be nearer his beloved Trolleybus Museum at Sandtoft.

Andres Iniesta

But instead, the supercomputer responsible for regulating our ‘lives’, and for keeping us unaware of the fact that we are mere data uploads in a vastly complex digiverse, has made the former PSG star move to Old Trafford for a yawn-inducing £220,000 a week.

No escape

A spokesman for the simulated virtual universe in which we all live said: “We will not apologise for pairing a man who habitually refers to himself in the third person with a second man who non-sarcastically calls himself the Special One, however predictable and tiresome such an event may be.

“It is not the responsibility of the simulated virtual universe in which we all live to entertain you or indeed to surprise you.

“If you want excitement, you can design your own simulated virtual universe, although this will not allow you to escape either the real simulated virtual universe, or the millions of identical articles about Jose and Zlatan that you will find yourself compelled to read for reasons unknown to you.

“Much is unknown to you, for that is the nature of the simulated virtual universe in which we all live.”

At the Swede’s unveiling, the simulated virtual universe in which we all live had Zlatan Ibrahimovic say something about how great it was being Zlatan Ibrahimovic, just as we all expected, further demonstrating that the simulated virtual universe in which we all live has no imagination whatsoever.

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