Ashley Young eaten by wolves
Young had ventured into the undergrowth around Manchester United’s training ground to retrieve a lost ball, when he was set upon by a pack of slavering beasts. According to Old Trafford sources, his desperate cries went unheeded by team-mates until it was too late.
“Wolf! Wolf!”, the former Aston Villa man reportedly cried out, as the training session continued uninterrupted. “Wolves are eating me!” Help! Help! Aaaaaaaargh!”
“Nobody went to see if Ashley was OK,” said midfielder Michael Carrick. “To be honest, we’d rather got used to him saying ‘Wolf!’ and ‘Get these wolves off me!’ and ‘There’s wolves everywhere, I’m serious this time!’.
“The first few times he yelled ‘Wolf! wolf!’ everyone rushed to save him, only to find there were no wolves at all,” Carrick continued. “Eventually we stopped looking up. And now all we have left of him is this bloodied training bib and a well-gnawed femur.”
Young had reportedly been warned about the dangers of making a false report of a wolf attack, but according to friends and family, he never believed he would ever actually be eaten by wolves.
“You never think it’s going to happen to someone you know, especially seeing as the wolf became extinct in England around 500 years ago,” Carrick continued. “Normally the worst you get in Manchester is pigeons or foxes, or the odd cassowary that Mario Balotelli released into the wild when he left for Milan.”
Tragically, Young had just returned to full fitness having earlier this season been shot by an invisible sniper. At Old Trafford tomorrow fans will observe a minute’s awkward silence for his career.