The best quotes of 2009

January

âÂÂWhat! Do you want to die?! IâÂÂm a professional! Respect my work! Show me respect!â - Carlos Kameni, perhaps the biggest, hardest person La Liga Loca has ever come to face-to-face with, scares a critical Espanyol fan into 2016 during a training ground rumble.

âÂÂItâÂÂs an absurd thoughtâ - Pep Guardiola has early doubts over the crazy notion that his Barcelona side might win blooming everything in 2009.

âÂÂNanín is neither a friend of mine, nor in my circle of trustâ - He may have been personally thanked by Ramón Calderón for his role in the 2006 presidential election victory, had an office near him, travelled on away trips with him, and gone out with his daughter, but the disgraced big cheese barely knew the scapegoat-shaped victim of the vote-rigging scandal at Real MadridâÂÂs AGM.

âÂÂI also went to the Real Madrid Assembly!â - a banner spotted in the Camp Nou in response to the revelation that an Atlético Madrid season ticket holder was just one of the many infiltrators who somehow got into the event to support the then president Ramón Calderón.

âÂÂKaká to Real Madrid? Never!â - Silvio Berlusconi gives the Italian press his second most memorable quote of the year after DecemberâÂÂs âÂÂwhat do you mean, âÂÂduck!âÂÂ?âÂÂ

February

âÂÂIâÂÂve never seen a West Ham game in my life and I expect to snuff it without ever having experienced this sensationâ - MarcaâÂÂs Miguel Serrano is less than impressed by Real MadridâÂÂs loan signing of the bench-napping Julien Faubert.

âÂÂNeither I nor anyone else is planning the sacking of Javier Aguirreâ - Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo, a man whose word can be trusted as far as Maniche can be carried, speaks out just two days before firing the first of his clubâÂÂs three managers of 2009 (see also October).

âÂÂI called Telefonica and they said they would come to my house in two days and they turned up five weeks laterâ - ItâÂÂs not just Getafe fans who canâÂÂt bothered supporting their players, as former midfielder Eugen Polanski discovers.

March

âÂÂI donâÂÂt think they want to sell Martin Villaâ - Ramón CalderónâÂÂs presidential replacement Vicente Boluda reveals why negotiations with Valencia for the Spanish international may have hit an early snag.

âÂÂIt was a final and we lost it. But there are 12 moreâ - Osasuna manager José Antonio Camacho, still struggling with the different concepts of âÂÂmatchâ and âÂÂfinalâÂÂ.

âÂÂWe donâÂÂt understand why he has thrown this crap at usâ - Carlos Marchena shows that thereâÂÂs still no âÂÂIâ in âÂÂteamâ after ValenciaâÂÂs sporting director of the week tells the press that the players simply arenâÂÂt trying.

âÂÂWe reckon they donâÂÂt eat pork. WeâÂÂll sort them out with some chickensâ - Culturally sensitive Osasuna fan Luis Miguel Arraztoa is told that Iranian players Javad Nekounam and Masoud Shojaei may find his generous gift of live piglets to slaughter less useful than their team-mates.

âÂÂI took this decision for the sake of the clubâÂÂs imageâ - Joaquín Bilbao, La Liga LocaâÂÂs 2009 Man of the Year and former Xerez president, steps down after a big night out involving a whorehouse, a black eye, a fight with a Russian bouncer, a drive-by shooting against a door and a night in the police cells.

April

âÂÂWe have a cordial relationshipâ - Juande Ramos was just the latest in a long line of Madrid managers feeling the love with the clubâÂÂs model professional, Guti.

âÂÂI called the Emir to congratulate him on the purchase of the club, but he knew nothing about it" - Confidante Rashidi Omrani reveals the that man who Betisâ website claimed would be buying the institution, Sheikh Humaid bin Rashid al-Nuaimi, had been carelessly left out of the loop.

âÂÂThe other day, Alexandre Song of Arsenal told me that we were the only league you watch in bed when you go to sleepâ - Pierre Webo identifies la LigaâÂÂs target audience for their eternally-popular 10pm kick-off times.

âÂÂI couldnâÂÂt believe it! It was a match where you think âÂÂah sh*t, weâÂÂre going to lose thisâÂÂâ - An uncharacteristically animated Klaas-Jan Huntelaar shares his feelings with La Liga Loca after MadridâÂÂs insanely dramatic late win over Getafe.

âÂÂI hoped it would be higher up and a bit more centralâ - Getafe midfielder Javi Casquero admits that his pathetic penalty taken minutes after being booted up the arse by Pepe failed to meet his expectations.

âÂÂThe other day, I was watching Pop Idol and I got really emotional when the contestants saw their families. IâÂÂm a cry-babyâ - Miguel Angel Lotina adds âÂÂbeing a big girlâÂÂs blouseâ to the long list of characteristics for the Deportivo boss.

May

âÂÂIâÂÂm no longer thinking about Real Madrid. That dream is deadâ - Cristiano Ronaldo, somewhat economical with the truth.

âÂÂHe calls me about four or five times a dayâ - David Villa tries - and fails - to introduce the concept of humour to the Spanish football press during Florentino Pérezâ return to the footballing limelight.

âÂÂHis model is to pay 10 times more for a player who is six years olderâ - Real Madrid presidential pre-candidate Eugenio Martínez Bravo claims that Kaká was offered to his club in 2003 for â¬6 million. He also fails to mention that FlorentinoâÂÂs model includes mistaking Tomas Gravesen for Lee Carsley.

âÂÂA footballer with a briefcase full of money runs slowerâ - Getafe coach Michel isnâÂÂt speculating on the issues involved with Cristiano RonaldoâÂÂs move to Madrid but the notion that âÂÂincentivesâ are paid to players by opposing teams at the end of every Spanish season.

eâÂÂI went to a neurologist, a cardiologist, a dentist and a nutritionist. IâÂÂve lost weight and IâÂÂm back exercisingâ - Former Atlético Madrid boss Javier Aguirre discovers the numerous joys of being sacked by the Vicente Calderón club.

June

âÂÂIâÂÂm leaving with a dagger in my heartâ - And all Vicente Soriano wanted was a gold watch and a handshake after stepping down as Valencia president at the end of last season.

âÂÂI will take the team to the Europa League, the Champions League and we will go once again to Madrid... thatâÂÂs what Manuel Ruíz de Lopera is working for!â - Betis fans have nothing to fear despite being relegated from la Primera according to majority shareholder and the third-person-talking Darth de Lopera.

âÂÂThe most scandalous signing in the history of footballâ âÂÂThe signing of the century!â - A wholly unexpected difference in opinion between Sport and Marca over the signing of Cristiano Ronaldo.

July

âÂÂWhen I woke up, I said âÂÂIâÂÂve got to return to Spain for training tomorrowâÂÂâ - Despite Mariano Pernía suffering a fractured spine, a broken collarbone, a tear to his left lung and a three-day coma after a car accident in Argentina, the Atlético Madrid full-back would still have been better than the gaggle of hoofing eejits who took his place in the side over the next five months.

âÂÂWe were predestined to find each otherâ - Burger King suit Elías Díaz Sesé gets a tad carried away over his companyâÂÂs sponsorship deal with Getafe.

âÂÂIt was a sign that I had respected the Lordâ - Whilst the groin-strained Kaká currently has problems spreading his legs, his wife Caroline Celico had no trouble managing the opposite with her claim that she was rewarded for saving her cherry until her wedding night with her hubbyâÂÂs move to Madrid.

âÂÂHas no-one told him we had loads of games last season without even seeing the goal?â - Valladolid manager Jose Luís Mendilibar has some doubts over whether his new striker Manucho will keep his 40-goals-a-season promise.

âÂÂI raised my hands to surrender, but Carleto shot me twiceâ - The famous Valencia team spirit is alive and well with Rubén BarajaâÂÂs fond memories of an inter-squad paintball contest.

August

âÂÂWe are alone in the universeâ - Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo confesses that thereâÂÂs no sign of intelligent life away from the Vicente Calderón either.

âÂÂIf there was a transfer list then Robben would not be on itâ â The confident claim from Manuel Pellegrini shortly before his bosses revealed both that there was and that the Dutchman was very much on it.

âÂÂItâÂÂs true that some of our campaigns have not gone down too well with some peopleâ - Getafe president Angel Torres after the launch of his clubâÂÂs advertising spot which have previously featured eggs, dwarves, transvestites and even Moses.

âÂÂI donâÂÂt knowâ - Pep GuardiolaâÂÂs response to American journalists on BarçaâÂÂs pre-season tour when asked what he will do to improve the side in the season to come.

September

âÂÂI would love it if they played like Brazil in 1970, but there is an order of priorities. First results, then good footballâ - Athletic Bilbao president Fernando García Macua happily admits that his Basque side are as attractive as Florentino Pérez chewing lipstick.

âÂÂWeâÂÂve played teams with good forwards and good goalkeepersâ - Bottom-of-the-table Xerez boss Cuco Ziganda on the tiny flaw in his clubâÂÂs survival plans after the loss of their opening two games.

âÂÂItâÂÂs a very important result, but it doesnâÂÂt mean anythingâ - Espanyol manager Pochettino caught in two minds after a 3-2 win over Deportivo.

âÂÂWe have protected and defended themâ - Four Barcelona VPs were lucky to have been secretly spied on in a âÂÂsecurity auditâ says club CEO Joan Oliver.

October

âÂÂThe person who hired me is famous and personally knows the playerâ - Spanish witch El Brujo adds Raúl to the suspect list after he admits that he was hired to cause a career-ending injury to Cristiano Ronaldo.

âÂÂThis is a sign of the club. They destroy presidents, directors, coaches and playersâ - Former Real Madrid big cheese Ramón Calderón knows all too well how things run at Castle Greyskull, having personally sacked two title-winning managers and caused David BeckhamâÂÂs Bernabeu departure.

âÂÂIâÂÂm not stupidâ - The managerial worm turned at Valladolid with coach José Luis Mendilibar responding to observations from local hacks that his sideâÂÂs defence was none too strong.

âÂÂIt would be crazy to think about changing coachâ - Crazy is as crazy does, with Atlético president Enrique Cerezo firing Abel Resino (coach number two) just two days after this irate outburst.

âÂÂIâÂÂve gone from watching videos of our rivals to SpongeBob SquarePantsâ - Still without a return date, Real Madrid midfielder Rubén de la Red reveals that his heart problem (and fatherhood) has led to a lifestyle change.

âÂÂIâÂÂm fit to playâ - GutiâÂÂs famous declaration, followed just 20 minutes later by one from his boss claiming he was injured.

November

âÂÂHe made us eat a lot of fishâ - Sevilla midfielder Didier Zokora recalls the âÂÂfinny businessâ endured at Spurs under the reign of Juande Ramos.

âÂÂThe problem with Riki is that he doesnâÂÂt know how to fall overâ - Deportivo boss Miguel Angel Lotina says some things canâÂÂt be taught after his stumbling striker was booked in successive games for diving.

âÂÂIf he doesnâÂÂt play, then heâÂÂs at home cryingâ - Lady GagoâÂÂs agent Marcelo Lombilla reveals that not only can his client not pass, shoot nor tackle, but that heâÂÂs an enormous pinny-wearing ponce to boot.

December

âÂÂShut it!â - Andrés IniestaâÂÂs all-round genius rating goes up a notch with his response to Cristiano RonaldoâÂÂs diving taunt during el Clásico.

âÂÂWhen they sacked Abel Resino, I was the happiest man in the worldâ - Atlético MadridâÂÂs whingeing winger José Antonio Reyes reveals why heâÂÂs always the managerâÂÂs favourite at every club he plays for.

âÂÂWhen you see Raúl warming up, itâÂÂs not the same as seeing Drentheâ - Bernd Schuster feels that some players are more equal than others in the Real Madrid substitute pecking order.

âÂÂYouâÂÂre pretty rude for someone whoâÂÂs 10â - Iker Casillas is drawn into a slanging match with a preteen potty-mouth in Mestalla during MadridâÂÂs Valencia clash.

âÂÂSometimes I look slow. Maybe itâÂÂs because of my long legsâ - Or maybe Real Madrid defender Ezequiel Garay looks slow because he is slow.

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