Milanese unruffled by Beckham arrival

Market research carried out by Serie Aaaaargh! has revealed that 70% of Milan fans surveyed feel that “yes” David Beckham’s arrival at the club is no more than a marketing tool.

The data was gathered not by standing outside some football ground like a sad anorak but at the re-opening of a venerable Milanese cocktail bar which just happens to overlook the square in which the rather obstreperous Armani billboard is hung.

And so is Becks for that matter as he reclines in shirt and briefs gazing out at the locals going about their everyday business, wondering no doubt if they are wearing the correct underwear.


The surroundings sum up the city’s obsession with the three Fs – fashion, football and you can guess the third, yes finance.

Properly attired then, with clipboard in hand, further follow-up questioning asserts that despite calling themselves Milan fans, the target group are more concerned with the fact that 'Golden Balls' will be billeted in a city which I forgot to say is also obsessed with a fourth F.

“He likes the women,” opines one middle-age banker - well it was noisy but Serie Aaaaargh! was sure he said 'banker' - “Glad to see there are still men like that around.”

“So, Posh isn’t coming, pity,” piped up another Swiss Tony-like money mover.

A young model-looking fellow on the arm of a very thin and what turned out to be highly-strung fashionista claimed that Armani was probably behind the whole thing.

“He’s already got Kaka and Shevchenko modeling for him and now Beckham is here as well,” swooned our man in the know.

In an attempt to steer the matter away from how Becks will wile away the evenings and conspiracy theories surrounding ageing fashion designers, a “well, Milan haven’t had a decent wide-man since the days of Roberto Donadoni,” is thrown out there for discussion. 

Without missing a beat, we are finally on to football.

“Very true,” replies model guy. “We play down the left too much when Ronaldinho is on the pitch.

“There’s no one on the right who can cross the ball. Zambrotta or Gattuso can’t. He’ll be perfect for that position.”

“What about as a back-up for Andrea Pirlo?”

“No way, there’s only one man for that role and that’s Pirlo” comes back the chorus of guffaws apart from the fashionista who does see mileage in the theory.

"Anyone popping down the San Siro at the weekend?" 

She didn’t really, possessing only a fixed grin which soon turns to a grimace before she drags model guy off to no doubt discuss more weighty matters such as “should we really be thinking purple for spring?”

“I think she’s Russian,” says one of the money men as way of explanation.

Yeah, she probably doesn’t even know who Andrea Pirlo is either.

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