The More-of-a-Man Weekend Predictions - Round 34

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Barcelona (1st) v Xerez (20th)

The probable feeling from Barcelona fans in regards to Saturday’s match against lowly Xerez  is that there couldn’t be a better opponent as a bounce-back from their Italian-Portugeuse-Vatican-Freemasons-Lehman Brothers inspired robbery by Inter.

But they’d be wrong in their warming sensation. Atlético Madrid would have been the perfect visitors to wander onto the pitch, enquire as to what the position of the day was for their seeing-to, then lie back and think of England. Or Anfield, more specifically.

Xerez are plucky movie-of-the-week scrappers, these days, with just the single defeat in seven - and that was a most undeserved one to Getafe, to boot.

Whilst taking even a point away from the Camp Nou this weekend is a tad improbable, goalkeeper Renan says that they’ll be trying to copy the Perico performance from last weekend. But with added goals.

“Espanyol had a great game and could easily have won. We watched the video and Gorosito has given us the idea of what we need to do. Anything can happen in football,” claimed the chirpy Brazilian.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Zaragoza (16th) v Real Madrid (2nd)

For very obvious legal reasons, LLL wouldn’t want to suggest for a moment that Kaká has been nothing but upstanding and honest in regards to his 40-odd day absence from the Real Madrid line-up due to problems in his holy groin area.

After all, LLL recently ended up with some downstairs trouble in that zone, too - but of an ickier nature - after a World Cup related fact-finding trip to a café on the Champs Elysées that’s happens to be a popular football haunt. But that’s a story for another day.

However, AS are throwing caution to the wind with an internal debate between two hacks on ‘The Truth’ about Kaká’s absence.

“I know he’s a good Christian and doesn’t lie, but it’s hard to believe him,” opines Paco González on a player who may, just may, make a return against Zaragoza with the World Cup now on the not-so-distant horizon.

“Do you think that Kaká is capable of lying to Florentino knowing the millions that Madrid paid for him?” is the outraged response from Paco’s pal, Manolo Lama, to such a blasphemous suggestion.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Valencia (3rd) v Deportivo (9th)

Were LLL to promote Madrid’s sickly forward in the rankings of holiness a level or two, then the blog could brand the Deportivo left-back as the Antichrist due to his remarkable healing powers. But it won’t. Instead, Felipe Luis will merely be called the anti-Kaká.

On the 23rd January the supersonic Brazilian snapped his ankle in two in a challenge with Athletic goalkeeper, Gorka. Some three months later Felipe is back in training with Deportivo and even looks like returning for the last couple of games of the season. It’s a comeback that has the club’s medical staff - and the scientific world in general - completely stunned.

“I feel more of a man than before,” admitted Felipe on some other pluses to his truly remarkable return. “And I gained a new friend from this injury,” beamed the defender, saying that Gorka had called him when the Depor man had returned to the training ground.

LLL Prediction - Home win


Almería (12th) v Espanyol (13th)

Wigan manager, Roberto Martínez, may have broken fragile Perico hearts by announcing that his Premier League club will not be taking winger, José Callejón, off their Catalan hands.

Despite having just the one move to his name - cutting in from the left and sending a curling shot 30 metres wide of the far post - Wigan were rumoured to be looking to make a bid for the former Real Madrid man, this summer. But it is not to be.

“Callejón would be too expensive for us,” admitted Martínez on a fee demanded by Espanyol reported to be in the region of €5 million, although LLL thinks there may be six zeroes too many.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Mallorca (4th) v Málaga (17th)

There’s trouble brewing in Málaga’s mill. Oh yes.

Last weekend’s goalless draw with Valladolid meant it was six games without a win for the southern side and just the single victory in ten.

Unfortunately, some of the more excitable members of the Málaga footballing fraternity decided to take their frustrations on this slump out on manager, Juan Ramón López Muñiz, by giving some gip to both himself and his car as he departed the crime scene, last Sunday.

Luckily, the ever present, brown-suited, pot-bellied, ‘all I want to do is club someone with my big truncheon, one day’ Spanish security guards were on hand to help Muñiz out. But more importantly so was Málaga's midfield nut-job, Apoño.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sporting (14th) v Valladolid (19th)

Valladolid’s Portuguese midfielder, Pelé, has finally been let off the naughty step after media-spewed allegations of smoking during a game against Athletic Bilbao and pre-match disco dancing sessions.

With a comment that doesn’t exactly reach the level of ‘gusto’, the cool-as-Kim-Deal Valladolid president, Carlos Suarez, remarked that Pelé had been allowed back in training because of “an odd agreement that we have with the players’ union where there could be a big fine,” if the footballer is not allowed to go about his business.

Pelé, for the record, denies all allegations claiming that “I did not smoke in San Mamés nor go (partying) in Salamanca.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing (15th) v Villarreal (6th)

Despite being sent to the stands in injury time in last weekend’s Atlético Madrid clash for an apparent disagreement with the referee over his timekeeping skills, Villarreal manager, Juan Carlos Garrido, looks set to have his contract extended to next season after taking Villarreal to sixth spot since his appointment in January.

“I could happen next week,” says Villarreal president, Fernando Roig. "I like the job he’s doing.”

Garrido will now be looking forward to leading his charges out at the ‘Delta Airlines Madrigal’ - the name change the club are reportedly considering, say Marca, for the princely sum of €3 million.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Atlético Madrid (10th) v Tenerife (18th)

All of UEFA’s best efforts in persuading a sceptical continent that the Europa League is more than a glamrock-version of the Zenith Data Systems trophy are set to be blown to smithereens with the notion that the tournament could eventually be won by Atlético Madrid.

The same Atlético Madrid that put up the worst performance by a Spanish side ever in the Champions League with a tally of just three points and three goals.

But it was still good enough to put them into a tournament where they are on the brink of the final despite winning just two from seven - a tournament where even Luis Perea is made to look good.

Instead of insulting Michel Platini as the Atleti fans did, on Thursday night, they should be building a golden statue of the UEFA boss.

LLL Prediction - Away win (of course)

Getafe (8th) v Sevilla (5th)

If it’s possible to canoodle with a photographer present and a gaggle of football agents, then that’s what Getafe president Angel Torres and former Sevilla manager Manolo Jiménez did in a hotel, this week.

Down to watch some bullfighting - a legal requirement for all club presidents in la Liga - on a trip to Seville, Torres just so happened to hook up with Jiménez in what was a “mere coincidence” according to the Getafe bigwig himself.

Those who didn’t believe the bearded-one are of the opinion that Torres is looking for Míchel’s replacement, next season, due to the current Getafe boss either being fired for insisting on playing his hapless son, Adrián, or because he is being lined up by Real Madrid as their own version of Pep Guardiola.

Meanwhile, Sevilla are moaning like mad over May’s Copa del Rey final - date to be announced - being played at the Camp Nou with the club claiming that the distance their team and supporters have to travel in comparison with Atlético works against them.

However, it is Sevilla’s sporting director, Monchi, who has lead the complaints claiming that the Spanish FA have broken an agreement to hold the final in Mestalla, which is just a far according to LLL’s calculations. But that’s a quandary for another day.

The reason why Monchi has had to front up for Sevilla is because club president, José Maria del Nido, is a tad busy in court trying to prevent himself going to jail for 13 years - the sentence the Spanish Fiscalía are looking for in a corruption case linked to his other job as a lawyer.

Nevertheless, del Nido must have been buoyed by the support given from the head of the Spanish FA despite his latest Stir Crazy woes.

“He’s a great president, I’m convinced of his innocence...he’s a good Christian,” said Angel María Villar, with a comment that will have any readers who have ever lived in the city of Seville spitting coffee over their monitors right about now.

LLL Prediction - Home win


Osasuna (11th) v Athletic (7th)

A clash that shows the Spanish League may have given up on the concept of entertaining Monday night football, already.

LLL Prediction - Draw

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