Pep to make career-defining decision

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On Wednesday night, Pep Guardiola must make the toughest choice of his short but astonishing managerial career: how to battle the incredible Ukrainian cold in Kyiv during Barcelona's Champions League clash with Dynamo.

Should he go for a super strong Arctic cardie to ward off the sub-zero conditions or a flowing overcoat?

Perhaps Pep will go with the head-protecting puffer jacket - Sport seem to think so - or strut about the technical area in a Tony Pulis-style shell suit and beanie hat.

Or maybe even dress as one of the X-Men, something La Liga Loca once suggested to the Dream Boys coach, with Pep responding encouragingly that he would definitely give the idea some consideration.

“Magneto looks pretty cool, too,” noted the comic-loving coach.

On the footballing front, Barcelona are facing a match where the Catalan club must win to ensure they finish top of their group, or even draw and hope that... er... some other stuff happens so that the holders avoid the likes of Manchester United and Chelsea in the next round - two teams that definitely give Sport the willies in Wednesday’s editorial.

Both that wretched rag and Mundo Deportivo have been particularly awful of late with every single, blinkin’ edition boasting that either Messi, Zlatan, Zlatan and Messi or Messi and Zlatan are really, really great.

So it's with some desperation that La Liga Loca is praying that Barcelona’s midget and big-nose forward line has an off day, just to give the world a break from even more fawning nonsense from the Barça-barmy press.

"To-ge-ther, we are beau-ti-ful..."

Speaking of fawning nonsense, the Madridista papers have lodged themselves so far up Cristiano Ronaldo’s jacksy that Tomás Roncero will soon be charged rent.

Madrid’s 3-1 win over Marseille and the Portuguese player’s admittedly brilliant brace has the AS columnist branding Ronaldo as “the Messiah of La Decima” and "The Chosen One.”

“He is so good that la Liga should ask permission for him to play in Mestalla on Saturday,” continues the Madridista mad man.

La Liga Loca half-knows where Roncero is coming from - which is a worrying thought - as Ronaldo’s second goal on Tuesday night was a treat, with the forward getting smashed in a Marseille sandwich between goalkeeper and defender but rolling like a Ninja-king to slot the ball into the back of the net with his first touch.

Marca’s headline boasts that Madrid are “champions of the moment and champions of their group,” although Roberto Gómez - he of the ‘Raúl should play every game’ philosophy - is now grumbling that the side is “over-dependent on Kaká,” - somewhat overlooking the fact that the team have won the last two games, scoring seven goals in the process, without the Brazilian god-botherer in the line-up.

Every paper has found time to point and laugh at Atlético Madrid’s 3-0 tonking by Porto in front of just 25,000 at the Vicente Calderón.

But despite their six games yielding just three points, three goals and 12 conceded, Atlético are somehow in the Europa League.

However, this hasn’t stopped Manuel Esteban in AS giving the Rojiblancos one in the goolies by suggesting that the side was “the worst in Champions League history coming from Spain,” and that the current players were “dumping on the history of the club.”

“The objective now is to avoid European humiliation influencing their form in la Liga,” noted a potentially senile FJ Díaz, who seems not to have noticed that Atleti suck in Spain, too.

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