Premier Sketch: Shockings, stockings, short sleeves and David Coleman

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Table-toppers Chelsea’s visit to Anfield against the slowly improving Liverpool saw Blues skipper John Terry performing his annual assault on Fernando Torres.

In previous years he’s managed to avoid cards for studs raked down the calf, a sly snot-rocket into the hair and the type of old-fashioned tackle from behind that prompts Andy Gray to chuckle “Welcome to the Premier League, son!”

But this time Big Brave John Terry really excelled himself. His royal braveness went all out, no holds barred, throwing his body through the air defying gravity and planting his right knee with full force into the back of the Liverpool striker’s neck. Just how brave can you get?

Unfortunately for the Terry it was all to no avail as Torres picked himself up and scored the two goals that won the game for the Reds. Chelsea stay top but their lead has now slipped to only two points. It’s time to pull those socks up a little higher John.

Talking of stockings, lingerie-loving top-shelf titan David Gold was shocked to hear he was refused entry into St Andrews this week. However suspicions were raised of his presence after only three minutes of this pulsating tie after City’s players were forced to avoid jets of water from the field’s sprinkler system. Insert your own dirty joke here.

“Champions League? You’re ‘avin' a laff.” After their midweek heroics against Inter Milan, Tottenham were well and truly brought down to earth at Bolton’s Reebok Stadium as England’s striker for the future Kevin Davies terrorised the Spurs backline scoring two goals and creating another. Wanderers recorded a staggering 4-2 victory and move up to sixth place in the league. Now does this mean that Wanderers would batter Inter Milan 7-3?

Another side shocking certain “experts” so far this season are Newcastle United, and Toon striker Andy Carroll must surely be in the reckoning for an England call up. Once more landlord Kevin Nolan let him out of the house and Carroll came good again, scoring the only goal of the game to cause quite an upset at Arsenal: as BBC’s David Coleman said, “Goals pay the rent!”

So with a stunning away win this week and a 5-1 derby win last week Newcastle now move up to fifth place. Chris Hughton’s P45 must surely be in the post.

And finally, talking of Arsenal here’s something to look out for (if you’re a train-spotter); this might be a coincidence but has anyone noticed how Arsenal’s squad all wear long sleeves for one game, then they all wear short sleeves in another? Keep an eye out for that next week while you’re waiting for the Gunners to get a shot off.