If La Liga LocaâÂÂs employers demanded hot-as-a-hamburger-in-hell breaking news and informed, accurate musings on the wonderful world of Spanish football, then it would be in serious do-do.
In fact, it would be packing its blufferâÂÂs guide to lazy national stereotypes and pathetic puns into a battered box and shuffling out on its knees into the pouring rain. Well, the glorious sunshine, actually. After all, this is Spain.
Luckily, La Liga LocaâÂÂs employers are kindly, charitable folk. But not as kindly and charitable as the numbskulls running Marca and AS.
After yet another summer of scoop-missing, prediction-failing and blatantly making stuff up, the publishing geniuses behind the bafflingly popular rags should really consider sacking their entire editorial staff and replacing them with shrimp. Less smelly, cheaper and more likely to get a story right, once in a blue moon.
MarcaâÂÂs offices are a stoneâÂÂs throw from the Bernabeu, but in recent years they have failed to predict the transfers of Pepe, Sneijder, Van Nistelrooy... pretty much everyone.
Instead they are in a perpetual state of wild-eyed bewilderment and panic like Maniche forced to choose between a rum and coke and a cookie.
Oh come on... you're not seriously going to make me choose?
AS are no better. TuesdayâÂÂs headline screamed that the club were on the brink of signing Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Diego Capel.
As it turns out Real Madrid were on the brink of signing Santi Cazorla from Villarreal, instead. Except theyâÂÂre werenâÂÂt. Or maybe they were.
The rodent-like but rather handy midfielder reacted to the news that Pedja was pawing him by telling the press on Tuesday that a move to the Spanish capital would be top banana and by ringing up Iker Casillas to ask him to put in a good word for him with Calderón and co.
âÂÂI spoke with El Guaje (David Villa) and he also said heâÂÂs moving,â spluttered an overheard Cazorla on another missed scoop by the idiot-twins of the Spanish press.
Of course, all this Cazorla talk is stuff and nonsense says MarcaâÂÂs Roberto Gómez as he is claiming that Real Madrid are too much of a goody-two-shoes to move in on other peopletâÂÂs players.
âÂÂCalderón is a leader with honour,â gushed Gómez on Monday as he wrote about his iconâÂÂs promise to other club presidents made at the Valencia Grand Prix that he would not poach any of their stars. âÂÂSome of them could learn from them,â he sighed.
Despite Tuesday's news to the contrary, Gómez is either sticking to his guns or was too busy with a particularly succulent serving of pheasant on Wednesday to notice that Calderón has gone back on his word. And considerably sooner than normal.
âÂÂBy not taking any player 15 days before the close of the transfer window, he is a true gentleman with honour, the kind of which has never been seen before in Spanish football,â wrote the Marca man who is now light years beyond parody.
âÂÂRamón Calderón is having his finest moment since taking the role of president,â fluffed Roberto giving La Liga Loca the deeply unpleasant image of him dressing up as Marilyn Monroe and singing to the Real Madrid president on his next birthday.
Not content with that superlative dayâÂÂs work Gómez then goes on to make up an entire conversation between Mr President and Bernd Schuster â a man who wants Robinho to stay.
âÂÂThe president and manager have had a cordial, but fluid relationship. Of course, thatâÂÂs because of the GermanâÂÂs character,â explained Gómez.
Atletico for the Champions League
RealâÂÂs city twins, Atlético have bigger fish to fry on Wednesday night â making sure their season is not doomed before it starts.
Despite Javier Aguirre saying that the entire team must perform against Schalke in the Champions League qualifier to claw back the 1-0 deficit, everyoneâÂÂs nervous eyes are on Kun âÂÂIâÂÂm no saviourâ Agüero to be the saviour.
The Argentine striker has managed to lose the increasingly stalky Diego Maradona in traffic and has declared that âÂÂIâÂÂve had time to rest and get into the rhythm of the side.âÂÂ
Agüero: Back in Madrid fresh from Olympic success
La Liga Loca will be heading down to the delightful Vicente Calderón with its pom-poms aloft to cheer on the rojiblancos, as the blog quite fancies the idea of extra Champions League action in the Spanish capital.
After all, Real Madrid have only been good for three or four home matches a season, in recent years.
ThereâÂÂs no doubt that many an Atlético player would have been tossing and turning away last night. And this means that new loan signing, Ever Banega, will fit in just fine.
Whilst all the dotting and crossing has yet to be completed on the Valencia playerâÂÂs one-year deal, it seems that the lawyers have thrashed out a compromise on some stumbling blocks.
The hard up men of Mestalla wanted some cash as part of the deal and Atleti wanted a clause put into the contract that if Banega breaches the terms of a special night-time curfew, the ArgentineanâÂÂs spell in the Spanish capital will be over.
La Liga Loca has a feeling that this is going to be fun.
