Wayne Rooney is set to inspire a new generation of stars to quit Everton for bigger clubs elsewhere.
England’s all-time leading chunkster returned to his boyhood team 13 years after he left to further his career, and wants Goodison’s bright young things to follow his example.
Rooney said: “Everton is fine for establishing yourself in the Premier League or winding down your career, but if you’re serious about winning trophies, you have to get out as quickly as you can.
“This club will never win anything, and we’re doing everyone a disservice if we pretend otherwise. Dedicating my best years to Everton would have been a terrible waste of my talent, and I want everyone here to understand that and learn from it.”
Rooney also confirmed that by re-signing him, a 31-year old with the turning circle of an aircraft carrier, Everton had proved themselves unable or unwilling to compete at the highest level.
“My advice to Tom Davies and Dominic Calvert-Lewin is to move to a top-four team and stay there for at least a decade,” he continued. “Come back to Goodison when you’ve lost a yard of pace and all trace of ambition but can’t be arsed learning Chinese.”
Toffees ace Davies, 19, said: “Wayne told me I was only young once and to strike while the iron was hot, or I’d end up like Ross Barkley.
“He also promised to pass on some top tips about how to drink four pints of lager in under a minute.”
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, clearly.
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