Back of the Net's top five Premier League players, ranked alphabetically

The Premier League's very best (at being somewhere near the top of the school register), named by John Foster...

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5) Gabriel Agbonlahor

The world was at Agbonlahor’s feet when he burst onto the scene back in 2006, but sadly for the Aston Villa man, his chance to reach the very top of the alphabet has probably passed. His long tussle with Daniel Agger was finally settled when the Liverpool defender left for Brondby in the summer, with Agbonlahor saying: "I was always afraid he'd overtake me but he never did. Now I can concentrate on overhauling the guys in front of me."

4) Emmanuel Adebayor

Aficionados of alphabetically-ordered lists were delighted when Adebayor opted to return to the Premier League after a loan spell with Real Madrid in 2011. The Togolese striker has frustrated fans from White Hart Lane to the Etihad with his inconsistency, but one thing is never in doubt – he will always have a name very close to the beginning of the alphabet. Such is Adebayor's natural ability that he would be well ahead of players like Derek Adfrum, Renzo Adiemus and Wilf Argley-Mortonton, even if they existed.

3) Charlie Adam

Adam possesses a deceptively simple surname that is often mistaken for a first name, which saw him regularly overlooked at former club Rangers. But from the moment the midfield maestro first came to the Premier League in 2009, it was clear he offered something special alphabetically. As ex-boss Ian Holloway famously quipped: "Many people think he's called Charlie Adams, but he’s actually called Charlie Adam. And if you put Adam and Adams together in a list you'll see that Adam comes first."

2) Rolando Aarons

There were whispers about Aarons’s potential ever since he joined Newcastle as a 16-year old back in 2012, when St James' Park insiders called him the hottest alphabetical prospect they had seen in many a year. But nobody expected the winger to have such a devastating impact so soon, with many crediting his step up to a loan spell last season at Danish side Aalborg. In the words of his manager Alan Pardew: "Rolando Aarons could do for football what Hank Aaron did for baseball, or near enough."

1) James Milner

Many will be surprised at our No.1 pick, but Milner has worked his way up from mid-alphabet obscurity to earn his place at the pinnacle of the ABCs. Casual fans may scoff, but experienced Premier League watchers, Roy Hodgson among them, know that ‘Milner’ is actually closer to the beginning of the alphabet than any other player in England, or indeed the whole of Europe, beating off competition from Rene Adler, Ignazio Abate, and Eric Abidal. Congratulations James! You get 10/10, or should we say, A+.