Hi Chris. Did the young Waddle ever wear a woggle?
Hi mate. No, I never joined the scouts, so there was never a Waddle woggle. I joined St. John's Ambulance instead. My brother said they had a good football team, which they did. But I didn't like the stupid outfit you had to wear.
Ah yes, the daft hat and 'kerchief of the 1970s volunteer...
We looked ridiculous. I never would have joined if I'd known you actually had to show up, put on daft clothes and learn medical skills. We just mucked around. We wrapped one of my mates in so many bandages he looked like a mummy.
Classic japes – but we're guessing we shouldn't call on you in an emergency?
No. I remember the recovery position, but that's it. Weirdly, this has reminded me of Gazza. We were warming up before a Newcastle game once when Gazza saw this St. John's lad 40 yards away and said: "I'm going to hit him on the head." He pinged this unbelievable cross-field ball and knocked his St. John's hat off. It flew into the crowd and the Scousers wouldn't give it back. Poor lad.
The swine. Has Waddle ever played the fiendish board game Boggle?
No, I've not tried that one. I liked Mouse Trap as a kid, and Cluedo. Someone gave me a Spurs Monopoly set. It has a Waddle Street or something, but I've not played it. It's in the attic.
When was Waddle last in a muddle?
Oh, every Monday morning I'm in a muddle. Sunday's my day for a drink after I play football. So I'm pretty muddled on a Monday sometimes.
Are you also left-handed as well as left-pegged? Do you agree that cack-handers are evil?
I can't agree that left-handed people are evil. I'm a bit mixed up really, though: I do some things left-handed, but others – like playing golf and pool – right-handed.
No wonder you're in a muddle.
Yeah. The worst thing is scissors. I cut left-handed but you can't find left-handed scissors anywhere. I need to get some off the internet.
How often do you realistically need to use scissors though, Chris?
Sometimes people ask me to open things. There'll be a red tape and they'll give me the scissors. It's quite embarrassing. I can't cut the tape, man!
You should set up a Ned Flanders-style Leftorium. Now, your name is an anagram of Drew as Child. Did you?
I did, but I was terrible. For some reason I couldn't draw arms properly. It wasn't anatomically correct – I'd have the arms sticking out of the rib cage. I didn't seem to know that arms come out of shoulders.
That time in the St. John's Ambulance really was pointless, wasn't it?
Yeah. I shouldn't have spent all that time wrapping people up in bandages.
Shame. Were you a fan of the spoof foreign news coverage on The Fast Show, which often mentioned your name?
Yeah! Ethethethee - Chris Waddle! It was good. I actually had a drink with Paul Whitehouse once – he's a Spurs fan – and asked him about it. He said he was on holiday in France when I was playing for Marseille, and he saw a news report just like that. That gave him the idea.
Curious. Finally, the big one: would you rather eat a tube of tiny beefburgers the size of Smarties, or a massive Smartie the size of a beefburger?
Oh, good one. I think I'll go for the mini-burgers. I'm not a massive Smartie fan. If you'd said a big M&M, I might have been tempted and gone for that.
Never mind. Thanks for chatting, Chris!
Ta.
Interview: Nick Moore. From the October 2010 issue of FourFourTwo.
