Saturday
Zaragoza (17th) vs Athletic (8th)
Spanish sports station, Canal Plus, have decided that it would be a whizzy idea to wire up a flock of Primera coaches to monitors to see just how dangerously close their hearts come to exploding right through their rib cages during an average encounter in la Liga.
First up in this intriguing test was SportingâÂÂs Manuel Preciado.
And the manager with the gravelly, tar-filled voice of a 50-a-day man did reasonably well with his most excitable upper limit being 117 beats a minute - the level of Ever Banega switching his laptop on.
Canal Plus then selected the mad-as-a-March-hare JoaquÃÂn Caparrós, and the Athletic boss very nearly blew a fuse in their fancy equipment with his heart rate spiking at 170, the moment when a late penalty was awarded to - and missed by - his side in last weekendâÂÂs defeat to Valencia.
âÂÂItâÂÂs screwed, IâÂÂm going to break it,â warned Caparrós before the monitor was taped over his over-stimulated heart - a heart that should have been working away at 80-110 BPM for a man of his weight and age.
LLL Prediction - Home win
Barcelona (1st) vs Espanyol (14th)
The absence of little Leo Messi from this weekendâÂÂs Espanyol clash at the Camp Nou sees the local press cranking their winge machines up to 11.
With Dynamo Kiev failing to grasp the Catalan concept of allowing the Barça player to remain unmolested to do whatever he pleases in WednesdayâÂÂs Champions League encounter, some rough treatment saw Messi limping from the frenetic fray.
FridayâÂÂs Sport moans that the only method sides have of stopping their superstar is by fouling him and noted that only nine of the supposed 15 fouls on the forward were punished.
âÂÂStop the hunt of Messi,â is the declaration from the paperâÂÂs front page.
âÂÂIf UEFA want the Champions League to be a spectacle, it has to protect the players who light it up with their talent,â grumbles Josep MarÃÂa Casanovas.
With the level of debate in the Spanish press being similar to that of a group of four year olds squabbling over a dumper truck in a sand pit, MarcaâÂÂs editorial from Friday pipes up that âÂÂCristiano deserves the same protection, too, thatâÂÂs being demanded by Messi!âÂÂ
LLL Prediction - Home win
Valencia (3rd) vs Real Madrid (2nd)
As to be expected from a polemical player who once took his own club to court because they were refusing to pick him, David Albeda has caused a bit of controversy in Spain this week.
The Valencia midfielder was keeping up a well-earned reputation for spikiness on Wednesday with his splendidly apt observation on Cristiano RonaldoâÂÂs absence in Mestalla noting that: âÂÂwe donâÂÂt have Silva and weâÂÂre not whining about it every day.âÂÂ
With the average Real Madrid fan being as staggeringly pompous and humourless as those of the Barça-barmy persuasion, the faux-outrage from Castle Greyskull has been tremendous, with one Madridista tutting âÂÂhow dare he!â to the blog on reading the midfielderâÂÂs dig.
ItâÂÂs a sentiment echoed by professional buffoon Roberto Gómez in Marca - who has been in fine form this week - and accuses Albeda of âÂÂa lack of respect to Madridismo.âÂÂ
And here endeth this weekâÂÂs lesson from on high to the rest of la Liga in relation to Real Madrid and Barcelona: donâÂÂt tackle their players or be mean and nasty about them.
LLL Prediction - Home win
Sunday
Valladolid (15th) vs Málaga (19th)
With Mrs Tiger Woods being a sister of Sweden, the news from Scandinavian parts this week is all about the seven-timing, shaft-grasping golfer whacking his wood up a number of alternative fairways.
But thereâÂÂs still news of yet more evidence that elks are continuing their take-over of the country, or so says thelocal.se
âÂÂA drunken elk reportedly attacked a pedestrian in the Hölö district of Södertälje south of Stockholm on Tuesday, prompting a response from police.
"Police received a call about an aggressive elk shortly after 3pm, the local Länstidningen Södertälje (LT) newspaper reports.
"The elk was reportedly hiding behind a bakery when it suddenly attacked a passer-by, according to police, who asked from assistance from a game warden in dealing with the hostile animal.
âÂÂThe game warden recognised the elk. It usually walks around and eats apples, gets drunk, and then gets aggressive,â police spokesperson Björn Engström told the newspaper.âÂÂ
LLL Prediction - Home win
Getafe (9th) vs Tenerife (12th)
Roberto Soldado is very much a âÂÂshe loves me, she loves me not â kind of striker in the sense that he alternates between being utterly brilliant and flippinâ awful during the average game.
Often in a matter of seconds.
And this was the reason why Real Madrid offloaded the forward at the Coliseum club, with no desire to bring him back - unlike the situation with De la Red, Granero and Parejo.
But the player who has grabbed some 40 percent of GetafeâÂÂs goals in la Liga this season is out of action on Sunday due to suspension.
This leaves the goal-scoring duties to Manu del Moral, a footballer who alternates between being flippinâ awful and being flippinâ awful.
LLL Prediction - Home win
Racing Santander (18th) vs Xerez (20th)
It seems that Bernardo SchusterâÂÂs dream of being the part owner of a club that will be surely be relegated and bankrupt come May will remain unfulfilled.
Current Xerez owner JoaquÃÂn Morales has indicated that he will be flogging his majority shareholding to an Argentinean consortium who âÂÂwill bring young, promising talent to Spain,â according to the Xerez bigwig.
Schuster is not best pleased at all with the outcome and complains in ThursdayâÂÂs press that âÂÂIâÂÂm still not the owner. ThereâÂÂs a lot of dodgy geezers out there and itâÂÂs hard when you get people who donâÂÂt have football as their concern.
âÂÂOur project is a sporting one and nothing more,â added the former Real Madrid man with just a hint of a warning over who the new owners might be.
LLL Prediction - Home win
AlmerÃÂa (16th) vs Deportivo (5th)
If Canal Plus were to connect Miguel Angel Lotina to their heart monitor, theyâÂÂd probably give up after a couple of minutes thinking that their batteries had gone flat.
ItâÂÂs not that the Deportivo boss doesnâÂÂt have a heart - unlike Betis owner, Darth De Lopera - itâÂÂs that it beats very, very, very slowly indeed.
The Galiciain Lord of Doom rarely gets excited about anything, aside from refereeing decisions that often see him sent to his naughty corner in the stands.
Lotina even managed to see last weekâÂÂs clash with Barcelona as a lose-lose situation for Deportivo, no matter what the result was in Riazor.
âÂÂHad we beaten Barcelona then it would have been difficult to control the euphoria, but the defeat means that we have to be careful not to drop our levels against AlmerÃÂa.âÂÂ
âÂÂCheer up Lotina! YouâÂÂre doing fine! YouâÂÂre in 5th place and with the strikers youâÂÂve got... thatâÂÂs enough,â was a comment from a Depor fan on Marca's site in what will almost certainly be a failed attempt to turn LotinaâÂÂs frown upside down.
LLL Prediction - Away win
Osasuna (10th) vs Mallorca (6th)
This is a clash between a Balearic side whose locals couldnâÂÂt give a flying fig about their astonishing season so far, and a club whose fans give everything theyâÂÂve got in backing their players.
The problem is that the Osasuna support takes âÂÂgiving everything theyâÂÂve gotâ rather literally, considering that mobiles, cameras, metal olive-oil pots, coins and gobs of saliva are just a few examples of the kind of objects that are frequently lobbed onto the pitch in Pamplona in the direction of players, linesmen, photographers and anything that moves really.
In other supporter news, AS report that Real Madrid will be taking a whopping 315 fans to Mestalla for the weekendâÂÂs crunch game.
Maybe MallorcaâÂÂs support is not so bad after all?
LLL Prediction - Home win
Atlético Madrid (13th) vs Villarreal (11th)
The rojiblancos have made all the headlines in Spain this week by taking the strongest action imaginable in reaction to the Calderón club proudly becoming the worst Europa League qualifying side in Champions League history.
In a true deckchairs-on-the-Titanic moment, the club spent Thursday launching the official Atlético Madrid wine with club president Enrique Cerezo boasting that âÂÂwines with our brand are a mark of quality.âÂÂ
And it is at this point that La Liga Loca invites the blog readership to send in their own predictable gags on the topic, but kicks things off by suggesting a sip of the Chateau Maniche 2007 - full bodied but little quality.
LLL Prediction - Away win
Sporting (7th) vs Sevilla (4th)
La Liga Loca suspected that the visit of Rangers to the Sanchez Pizjuán in the Champions League would help the home side get out of their footballing funk and it was right, although the 1-0 margin of victory was a little narrower than predicted.
But perhaps the most important aspect of the eveningâÂÂs affair was the lack of trouble from the visiting Rangers fans, with a Belfast-born journalist telling the blog that the close connections between Sevilla and Celtic may have lit a fuse or two in the Andalusian city.
LLL Prediction - Away win
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