Kasper Schmeichel: Ask A Silly Question

Hi Kasper. What gloves would you least like to wear in nets: oven gloves, boxing gloves, or those massive ones you wear so a bird of prey can land on your wrist?
Hi mate. I’d say the boxing gloves. The falcon ones wouldn’t be too bad, but you can’t move your fingers in boxing gloves. The oven gloves would be fine.

Surely the join between the gloves would limit your mighty wingspan?
Ah, but I’ve got two separate, unjoined oven gloves. They’re those heat-resistant ones.

Silicone-injected oven mitts? Highly impressive kit.
Yeah. They’re good actually, and would be fine for goalkeeping.

Do you ever wear gloves outside of football, or does it feel too much like work?
I have ski gloves for when it’s really cold, but outside of football and the oven gloves I’m not really a big glove man.

Ever pull on the Marigolds to do the washing up?
I do my fair share of washing up, but I go glove-free.

Ever fancied wearing those silk gloves that snooker referees wear? They look nice.
I can’t say I have. I don’t think I’d make a great snooker referee.

For me there are four key skills to being a snooker referee. The first is maths...
I’m not too quick mathematically, so I’m struggling already there.

The second is being able to stand still for long periods of time without fidgeting...
Oh, I’d be terrible at that. I like to keep moving.

Third: keeping the unruly crowd at the Crucible in check...
I’d do OK with that one. I think I could assert myself over the loud snooker fans.

And fourth: understanding the rules of snooker. How many points for a foul on the blue, Kasper?
I don’t know, sorry.

Solve an office debate. If there was a code of fighting which involved windmilling towards the oppo with a fruit in each hand, which would make the best weapon?
I’d go for the pineapple. It’s big, hard and it’s got spiky bits that could do some real damage.

There’s a school of thought that the coconut is more lethal.
You could definitely argue that.

Imagine you’ve got the pineapples, while Sheffield Wednesday custodian Nicky Weaver is swinging the coconuts. Who wins the epic battle?
I think Nicky would edge that. He’s bigger than me and he’s got that scary beard. He’d be so aggressive with those coconuts, I reckon.

What about Robbie Savage with a couple of bananas?
I think I’d back myself on that one.

Quite. Moving on: how do you deal with spiders in the house?
I’m a stamper. To be honest, I’m terrified of them, so I take a run up and jump on them. There’s no surviving with 6ft 2in of goalkeeper on top of them.

Marcus Hahnemann throws them outside, while Brad Friedel favours the pint glass method.
I’d like to do that – I suppose it’s less cruel – but I just can’t do it, so they get jumped on.

You share a name with the friendly ghost, but…
[Interjecting] I don’t. The spelling’s different. Casper’s got a 'C'.

Fair point. But do you believe in paranormal activity?
I think so – there probably is something out there.

Why do poltergeists always move rubbish things like keys, though?
What do you want them to do?

I’d like to see them levitate hat-stands, wang frisbees, juggle teapots and ladels…
I suppose that would make things more interesting. But I’d rather they didn’t do it in my house.

Indeed. Now, goalies love clean sheets, Kasper. But how clean are the sheets Chez Schmeichel?
Oh, very clean. I’m a bit of a clean freak, so the sheets get changed regularly. I hate that chore.

Doing the duvet cover is worst.
I don’t mind it. I think it’s one chore where being a keeper helps. I’ve got a decent reach and long arms, so I can get right up into the corners.

You’re lucky! Finally, is your mum any good in goal?
Yeah, she’s good. I’d back her against most mums. She’s not the biggest, but she’s pretty agile.

Good news! Thanks for chatting.
A pleasure.

Interview: Nick Moore. From the June 2011 edition of FourFourTwo.