Hi Kevin. FFT's Hitesh Ratna claims he once saw you in a Southampton nightclub wearing a full-length, Matrix-style leather jacket. Do you still have it?
Hi mate. That’s simply not true. I’m not much of a leather jacket man, and I’ve definitely never had a full-length one. Not my style at all!
We’ll make sure Hitesh is dealt with for spreading such untruths.
[Laughing] He’s lying! I don’t know where he got that from. A lookalike maybe?
Perhaps. Talking of gossip, you’re a Twitterer, and we’ve learned all sorts. What’s this about you keeping donkeys?
Yes, we’ve got a couple of donkeys that I bought at a local farm as babies. I thought it would be fun for the kids, and we’ve got a bit of land they can roam about on. They’re called Indy and Sky, after Indiana Jones and Luke Skywalker.
Do you ride them? A hulking footballer like you would break their backs, surely?
You can’t ride them until they’re three years old. I won’t be getting on, though!
You also reveal that your heating got cut off after a mix-up over a bill. Are the Davies family still shivering?
Yeah, the kids are wrapped up in blankets... and the pyjamas and hot water bottles have come out.
We can’t see you as a PJs man.
Why not, in the winter? It’s pretty cold at the moment.
Ever considered the slanket?
No, although I bet my missus would like one. She’s on at me to get her one of those giant Babygros, but I can’t find one anywhere.
Ever been tempted to twang an opponent’s snood?
They’re a bit wrong, aren’t they? Some of our lads have them in training, which is fair enough, but not in a game. They’re not very manly.
Go on, Kev, give Carlos Tevez’s snood a good yank when you next see him!
No comment on that!
Fair enough. If you had to have an operation to become a woman, what name would you go for?
Maybe Casey. My missus calls me ‘KC’ sometimes – they’re my first two initials. So Casey might work.
Would you rather own a hoverboard or a puppy that can sing West End show tunes on demand?
Who writes these questions?
Do you feel like you’re wasting five minutes of your life here?
No, they’re fine – just a bit different!
Good. Puppy or hoverboard, Kev?
Oh, definitely the hoverboard. I don’t like walking places so that would be great for nipping around on. And I’m not much of a one for show tunes, so the puppy would get annoying.
Valentine’s Day is coming up. Ever sent a girl an oversized teddy clutching a tiny heart-shaped pillow with ‘I Luv U’ on it?
I can’t say I have. I’m not a big fan of the day and neither is my missus. We call it Amateurs’ Night.
You must surely have received one of those gigantic cards over the years?
Yeah, I did all right when I was younger. But I’ve had no massive cards for a while.
Here are three heavy metal bands: Nuclear Spider Onslaught, Satan’s Awkward Gropings and Sergeant Leatherlord. But which of the three would you least like to face on the football field?
The last guy. Sergeant Leatherlord sounds pretty bad.
What sort of mental image does Sergeant Leatherlord conjure up to you?
I wouldn’t like to say, really. It’s not a good image. Maybe me in my Matrix leather jacket?
A-ha! A confession!
I was kidding. I never owned that jacket.
Remembering the details – Hitesh claims you were with James Beattie, who wore a similar, equally shameful garment.
I’m getting vague memories now. I think one of the lads at Southampton might have owned a terrible leather one. We were all trying it on and mucking about. Maybe that’s when he saw us?
You’re off the hook, Kev! Finally, can we have a hug down the phone?
How would that work, then?
Er... we’ve never really thought about the logistics, to be honest. I guess we just send each other a mental hug.
There you go then. Have a hug.
Interview: Nick Moore. From the February 2011 issue of FourFourTwo.
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