Review of the Season: No plan ‘B’ for Barça & Mourinho’s blacklist

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Real Madrid
ended October above Barcelona after perfect month – essential in a league where dropping a single point is as advisable as jamming your todger in a toaster. Pep’s Dream Boys carelessly threw away two precious points at the Camp Nou in a 1-1 draw against Mallorca, prompting mass panty-bunching panic in the Catalan capital.

“Guardiola has no plan B to dynamite defences that are made of concrete,” fretted Joan Batlle in Sport, suggesting a tactic only permitted in the fourth tier of Spanish football.

More interesting in Mordor was how Madrid would cope in the Copa del Rey and Champions League, two competitions in which the club had wobbled in recent years. Against Murcia, José Mourinho was so mindful of another Copa catastrophe like the previous season's knock-out by Alcorcón that he threatened to send any underperformers to the same place as Pedro León: dead to him. “If they don’t play well, then I’ll stick Castilla [second team] players on the bench.”

The first leg down south was a goalless draw, a result that satisfied Mourinho more than his opposite number. “I’m upset: I told the players that if they didn’t repeat Alcorcón then they’ll be on my blacklist,” joshed mirthful Murcia manager Iñaki Alonso.

Madrid faced a tougher test in the Champions League with the visit of Milan, an opportunity game which gave Mourinho a chance to indulge his favourite hobby of insulting opposition managers. In response to an apparent spat with Milan boss Massimo Allegri during his Serie A spell, the Special One claimed modestly that there was nowt betwixt the pair: “What rivalry can there be between a double European champion and a coach playing his third Champions League game?”

The main news in Barcelona – the fun stuff, anyway – was more mudslinging between current president Sandro Rosell and former bigwig Joan Laporta, with Rosell trying to brand his predecessor financially incompetent.

Receipts were published revealing that Laporta’s regime had blown €90,000 on 1644 guest tickets for a Camp Nou U2 concert and an eyebrow-raising €2m on private detectives between 2005 and 2009.

After an audit of the club’s coffers, Rosell claimed that Barça hadn't made the €11m profit Laporta claimed for the previous season but a €79m loss. Laporta's retort that “they have manipulated the accounts we presented” left everyone baffled as to who to believe. The eventual consensus seemed to be 'neither'. 

Zaragoza continued their poor start to the season and sat bottom of the table. One place above them were Deportivo, who managed their first win of the month on October’s last day. At the beginning, coach Miguel Angel Lotina was still in high spirits claiming that “only the mediocre resign,” but towards the end the poor fella was feeling the strain: “I’ve spent two nights without a wink of sleep and yesterday I had to ask the club doctor for help.” LLL isn't sure whether Lotina asked the doc for medication or to play up front.  

Málaga’s big-money quest to be la Liga’s reference point of the south wasn’t quite going to plan, with the side sitting third-bottom by October's end. But this was no dullard Deportivo side: Málaga were wonderful to watch at both ends, with the team going into their clash a few weeks earlier with Real Madrid as la Primera’s top scorers whilst possessing the worst defensive record.

New boys Hércules were learning fast that for a club to survive in la Primera, it helps to have a few basics like training facilities and salaries. The Alicante outfit didn't have their own practice ground and were travelling about for 300km a week to practice at four different venues – no doubt being kicked off by the nasty big boys at each one. “You can’t imagine the headache I have planning training with no pitches,” complained manager Esteban Vigo.

Cheat of the month, but with a fine excuse, went to Almería’s Juanma Ortiz – who managed to get Málaga’s Eliseu sent off after a challenge in which he later admitted there hd been no contact. “He could have hurt me had he done it!” claimed the midfielder in a defence worse than Málaga's.

SEPTEMBER Jose bores Bernabeu & Barça's expensive past
AUGUST Pep & Zlatan fall out as Madrid move for Özil

PLUS La Liga Loca's review of every team's season