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Arsene Wenger has upped the stakes in the perpetual quest to protect his Arsenal players from unfair tackles, bullying and any other contact with other humans, announcing that from Saturday onwards, the Gunners will be joined on the field by âÂÂa crack team of bodyguardsâ who would âÂÂshoot to kill if necessaryâÂÂ.
The Gunners manager has been become increasingly angered by awful injuries to the likes of Eduardo and Aaron Ramsey, caused by the over-physical approach of largely Northern opponents, and above all by his love of anger.
Sure, he'll shoot to kill - but can he deal with a long throw?
When RamseyâÂÂs season was ended by an assassination attempt by Stoke defender Shawcross, Wenger told journalists that it was âÂÂthe final strawâ and that âÂÂpeople would stop treating Arsenal this wayâÂÂ.
But few foresaw the FrenchmanâÂÂs next move, which was revealed at a press conference today.
Wenger told the assembled press that he was âÂÂproud to present eleven new signingsâÂÂ, Wenger then pressed a button causing a secret panel to slide back, and journalists watched in amazement as three armour-plated limousines rolled into the room.
Sources say that Wenger then rasped the words âÂÂpayback timeâ as the hired goons fired a fusillade of bullets into a specially-erected cardboard mock-up of BlackburnâÂÂs back four.
"Yes, it's time - end Christopher Samba"
The dark-suited operatives, whose weaponry alone is thought to have broken the Emirates clubâÂÂs transfer record, will begin work against West Ham on Saturday, with each bodyguard being assigned to one of WengerâÂÂs players and ordered never to be more than four paces away.
Insiders at the Hammersâ Essex training ground report that boss Gianfranco Zola spent the afternoon preparing his side by âÂÂspraying bullets at Jack Collison and chasing Carlton Cole until he collapsed from exhaustionâÂÂ.
Wenger confirmed that he would keep up the fight to protect his talented players.
Among proposed moves, opposing players will have to show ID and submit to a thorough frisking before being allowed in to the Emirates, while as of next season Gunners will apply to the FA to be given six free points in lieu of their matches with Bolton.
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