Wenger protects his players by signing team of bodyguards

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Arsene Wenger has upped the stakes in the perpetual quest to protect his Arsenal players from unfair tackles, bullying and any other contact with other humans, announcing that from Saturday onwards, the Gunners will be joined on the field by ‘a crack team of bodyguards’ who would ‘shoot to kill if necessary’.

The Gunners manager has been become increasingly angered by awful injuries to the likes of Eduardo and Aaron Ramsey, caused by the over-physical approach of largely Northern opponents, and above all by his love of anger.

Sure, he'll shoot to kill - but can he deal with a long throw?

When Ramsey’s season was ended by an assassination attempt by Stoke defender Shawcross, Wenger told journalists that it was ‘the final straw’ and that ‘people would stop treating Arsenal this way’.

But few foresaw the Frenchman’s next move, which was revealed at a press conference today.

Wenger told the assembled press that he was ‘proud to present eleven new signings’, Wenger then pressed a button causing a secret panel to slide back, and journalists watched in amazement as three armour-plated limousines rolled into the room.

Sources say that Wenger then rasped the words ‘payback time’ as the hired goons fired a fusillade of bullets into a specially-erected cardboard mock-up of Blackburn’s back four.

"Yes, it's time - end Christopher Samba"

The dark-suited operatives, whose weaponry alone is thought to have broken the Emirates club’s transfer record, will begin work against West Ham on Saturday, with each bodyguard being assigned to one of Wenger’s players and ordered never to be more than four paces away.

Insiders at the Hammers’ Essex training ground report that boss Gianfranco Zola spent the afternoon preparing his side by ‘spraying bullets at Jack Collison and chasing Carlton Cole until he collapsed from exhaustion’.

Wenger confirmed that he would keep up the fight to protect his talented players.

Among proposed moves, opposing players will have to show ID and submit to a thorough frisking before being allowed in to the Emirates, while as of next season Gunners will apply to the FA to be given six free points in lieu of their matches with Bolton. More to read...
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