Belgium 2-1 USA: Belgians end American Dream, life, liberty and pursuit of happiness
The national ethos of the United States, a set of ideals in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, has been rendered obsolete by a dangerous Belgian side in a dramatic last 16 World Cup clash.
The USA were buoyant after coming through the group stage, and hopes were high as they prepared to take on a nation many within the US believed to be fictional.
But Belgium clearly hadn’t read the script the Americans attempted to issue them before the game and set about tormenting their opponents.
While the US held on valiantly under pressure, largely due to the heroics of Tim Howard in goal, the Belgians got their reward in extra-time with goals from Kevin De Bruyne and Romelu Lukaku, ending the American Dream, entrenched in the Declaration of Independence.
Julian Green pulled one back but it was to prove nothing more than scant consolation for the USA’s elimination from the World Cup, and the subsequent collapse of the overriding principle on which American society was based.
The news that social mobility through hard work is no longer possible has hit the nation’s football fans hard.
“Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness is all very well, but I guess we never reckoned on Belgium’s golden generation,” US football fan Jason D’Amico told FourFourTwo.
“I was planning on opening a small drugstore [corner shop] in the Fall [Autumn], but after this soccer game [football match], it’s obvious [that particular business venture would be doomed to failure].
“If ‘all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights’ then how could that pre-pubescent douchebag [scrotebag] De Bruyne beat our entire defense [defence] twice before slotting home? Surely one of our defenders should’ve had the Right to scythe him down?”
The long-term effects on the US economy brought about by a fundamental shift in national identity are expected to be wide-reaching, and many fear De Bruyne could become a villain in America.
There is already a powerful lobby in American political circles who feel the US should have carried firearms, as specified in the Second Amendment, which would almost certainly have deterred De Bruyne and Lukaku.