BotN: All Michael Owen transfer rumours apparently started by Michael Owen

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The former England star has been linked with a host of clubs this summer, but, as Back of the Net's John Foster explains, there's a good reason for that...

A series of rumours linking former England ace Michael Owen to a number of top European clubs seem to have been started by Michael Owen himself, it emerged earlier today.

Following his release by Manchester United earlier this summer, Owen fully expected to be snapped up by one of the continent’s giants, and reportedly began learning Italian in expectation of interest from Juventus and the Milan clubs.

“Michael only wanted to know how to say yes,” one of Owen’s former teammates told “Turns out it’s ‘sì’, which also happens to be the one word he learned in Spanish. Poor Michael.”

But after several weeks of silence in which the expected bidding war failed to materialise, Owen was forced to deny his involvement in a rumour linking him with a move to Internazionale, which was posted two weeks ago in pidgin Italian on the club’s internet forum.

Two days later, a similar rumour emerged suggesting that the 32-year old forward was on the verge of a deal with Valencia, and a day after that, several German media outlets reported receiving a package containing the grammatically incoherent message ‘OWEN NEU SPIEL PER BAYERN’, made from cut-up newspaper headlines.

Earlier this week, producers at the radio show Transfer Talk confirmed that a man calling himself ‘Mister Michaels from Chester’ has repeatedly telephoned the programme linking Owen with moves to Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, Wigan, Stoke, Everton, and Shanghai Shenhua, while expressing amazement that the former Liverpool starlet had not “already been snapped up by a club worthy of his ambitions”

“I think the caller was trying to disguise his voice,” presenter Dominic Jackson told our reporter. “And he kept referring to Michael Owen in the first person. And he once accidentally gave his name as Michael Owen. The poor man.”

"My name? It's Michael Ow....errrrrm, Mr Michaels"

Publicly, Owen has continued to insist that he is confident of securing a high-profile deal, announcing yesterday that he was turning down a move to Brighton that Brighton have denied making.

“Sainsbury’s wanted him to open a new supermarket in Hove,” a Brighton spokesman confirmed. “It’s nothing to do with us. Hasn’t he retired, anyway?”

“I heard he’s making his wife pretend to be Aston Villa,” a friend of the player’s, speaking on condition of anonymity, told FourFourTwo. He gets her to call him and offer him a two-year deal with an option for a third, and he tells her he’ll think about it. I saw this photo of him shaking hands with the gardener while they hold up a Celtic shirt. It’s tragic, really.”

It is also being reported that Owen Hargreaves has rejected Michael Owen’s idea of a touring two-man show, ‘Owen To The Fact’ where the two players recount humourous anecdotes about their careers in front of a paying audience while sitting very still and trying not to hurt themselves.

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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