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I’m worth £1m, says pub footballer who just heard about Kyle Walker

Kyle Walker

A man who plays right-back for the Dog & Duck Reserves is pretty certain that he must be worth around £1 million in the current market, rising to £1.5 million with add-ons.

Dom Archer, who started his career at St Thaddeus Technical College before taking in spells at the Fox & Hounds XI and HMP Leyhill, is talking up the possibility of a move to local rivals the George & Dragon FC - if they stump up the cash.

Archer said: “You can’t tell me I’m not one fiftieth as good as Kyle Walker.

“I too can run quite a long way, deliver a disappointing cross, and get caught up the pitch on the counter-attack multiple times a game.

“I’m pretty sure I can kick the ball further than Kyle Walker too, which has to be worth something. Probably about five hundred grand.

“I’m also versatile enough to do a job elsewhere, like off the shoulder of the targetman, or behind the bar if I turn up too hungover to move both my legs at once.

“Anyway I’m putting myself in the shop window, if the George & Dragon FC moneymen want to take a punt on a 32-year-old with irritable bowel syndrome who occasionally leaves at half-time if the dog walker has to cancel.”

Archer’s team-mate Billy Waddock said: “If Dom’s worth £1 million, and Gylfi Sigurdsson’s worth £50 million, I’m probably about £20 million. Not bad for a part-time traffic warden.

“Now let’s talk wages. Based on what Lukaku’s getting at Man U, I reckon I deserve £40,000 a week, plus a five grand appearance bonus if I turn up with the right kit.”

Dog & Duck Reserves manager Dave Kildea said: “This should all be achievable if we raise the price of a pint to £10,000.”

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, clearly.

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