La LigaÃ¢ÂÂs Good Day, Bad Day - The Final Round
By the end of his 32-goal campaign, the AtlÃÂ©tico forward was scoring the kind of efforts that, had you pulled them off on your PlayStation, would have made your friends beat you to death with a lamp.
The cathedral bells were ringing in a distinctly doomy way as La Liga Loca made its way down to the Vicente CalderÃÂ³n on Saturday night. There were thunderclouds quite literally gathering above the stadium.
As the game against a nothing-to-play-for AlmerÃÂa kicked off, streaks of lightning tore through the sky and the heavens opened onto the fans below.
Unfortunately, there is no spooky or supernatural ending to this particular tale. Unless you count Atleti playing out a fairly comfortable, Champions League-qualifying, drama-free, professional win as something worthy of The X-Files.
"This could be a case for Mulder and Scully... oh no, hang on..."
It would have been a travesty had Getafe gone down, considering the side hadnÃ¢ÂÂt spent a single minute in the drop-zone. In the end, they survived by the skin of MichelÃ¢ÂÂs blindingly white teeth.
The former Madrid player is set to be in charge at the Coliseum next season, with club president Angel Torres saying a deal will take Ã¢ÂÂabout five minutes.Ã¢ÂÂ
Two sets of brilliant fans helped push their sides to safety in games that they both had to come from behind to win.
With Giuseppe Rossi and Nihat having spent recent months perfecting their impersonation of strikers Ã¢ÂÂ as in work-dodging picket-line refuseniks Ã¢ÂÂ it has been Joseba Llorente who has helped drag Villarreal into the Europa League places.
The double strike against Mallorca on Saturday night was the former Valladolid manÃ¢ÂÂs seventh and eighth goals in the final seven matches.
About the only Real Madrid man who actually gave a flying hoot during their pathetic five match run of defeats.
Unfortunately for the Argentine striker, his 22 league goals wonÃ¢ÂÂt be enough to keep him up the Bernabeu pecking order next year, with the infinitely more marketable Kaka & Co. set to take his place.
To be blunt, if HiguaÃÂn isnÃ¢ÂÂt a starter, then the new regime at Real Madrid are idiots.
"Clear off, we need the space for an advert"
His two strikes against Athletic were surely a parting gift for a club where he scored 86 league goals in just four seasons.
After La Liga Loca witnessed a cat eating its own vomit in the stands at the Montjuic, Paul from Barcelona took a solemn oath to watch over the blogÃ¢ÂÂs feline friends.
Unfortunately for Scratchy, our intrepid correspondent has now seen his last match in what is now EspanyolÃ¢ÂÂs former stadium.
Ã¢ÂÂThey say some teams were already thinking of their holidays. Well. MÃÂ¡laga were on the beach with a bucket and spade and a large 99.
"They made as much effort as I do when 'er indoors mentions washing up. Saying that, Espanyol played really well and could have won by a load more in what was a meaningless match.
"Well that's another season done and dusted and your correspondent is a happy man for the following reasons:
1) That's Montjuic finished with. Happy memories but a new stadium awaits and it's cracking.
2) Espanyol finished 10th - yes, 10th. Top half. Two months ago Espanyol were five points adrift at the bottom. What a turnaround.
3) Hopefully we can shift some deadwood in the summer - Valdo, Lacruz etc.
4) Three weeks ago I put money on Betis going down (nothing against them, just good odds).
"Stray cats: 0.
"A good summer to all and IÃ¢ÂÂm off to celebrate by attacking the police and smashing shop windows. That's what real supporters do, isn't it?Ã¢ÂÂ
A last look at the juicy mountain
Wow. Not even in La Liga LocaÃ¢ÂÂs wildest dreams Ã¢ÂÂ and they're pretty odd Ã¢ÂÂ did the blog think that it would be Betis going down on Sunday.
A stunning achievement for the Seville-based side, and worthy of pats on the back all round.
As to be expected after such an unfortunate event, the already frustrated fans went BÃÂ©tico ballistic with rocks and barriers being hurled at police and attempts made to burst into the dressing room area of the clubÃ¢ÂÂs stadium.
The players of both sides were unable to leave the ground until an hour-and-a-half after the game when the lynch-mob had been dispersed.
AS editor Alfredo RelaÃÂ±o claims that this was the inevitable conclusion to the Darth de Lopera era, a rule that Ã¢ÂÂhad pretensions of greatness but ended in failure.Ã¢ÂÂ
It's a similar message in MarcaÃ¢ÂÂs editorial - well, the bit that doesnÃ¢ÂÂt discuss the brilliance of Florentino PÃÂ©rez - with the paper noting that the club was treated as a simple family business or a third-division outfit by its Ã¢ÂÂmanagementÃ¢ÂÂ.
However, both papers have chosen to pull their punches over the whispers of corruption and incompetence that have dogged the second divisionÃ¢ÂÂs newest members and something that may have played a part in BetisÃ¢ÂÂ downfall.
The part-time Real Madrid midfielder spent the week complaining that no-one ever believes him when he claims to be injured, then pulled out of the squad for SundayÃ¢ÂÂs clash with Osasuna with a hurty ankle.
And this makes one particular letter to Monday's AS all the more entertaining with one enraptured reader declaring her love for Guti, someone who Ã¢ÂÂwill always be one of the best in the world. I admire you as a person and as a player.Ã¢ÂÂ
Florentino PÃÂ©rezÃ¢ÂÂs first act as Real Madrid president-again should be to strap raw meat to GutiÃ¢ÂÂs body and kick him into the South Pacific from a helicopter.
"Yeah but how big's your house, Stannard?"
The sight of MÃÂ¡lagaÃ¢ÂÂs end-of-season shrug of indifference was enough to make the manager leave the club after three seasons. Ã¢ÂÂIÃ¢ÂÂve finished my cycle here,Ã¢ÂÂ said Tapia after the 3-0 defeat to Espanyol.
End of Season Business
Throughout the year, La Liga Loca has been entertaining the masses with its weekend predictions which possessed all the accuracy and comedy factor of a shot from Fernando Gago.
So, with the end of the current campaign upon us, itÃ¢ÂÂs time to see how la Primera would have looked if every one of the blogÃ¢ÂÂs wayward guesses had been right.
All-in-all, barring a few glaring anomalies, La Liga Loca fared fairly well by getting the top six right - not necessarily in the right order, mind - and by predicting two of the bottom three. And who could have guessed Betis?
The final Weekend Predictions league table:
3. Real Madrid
7. Valladolid (!!!)
15. Deportivo (wishful thinking)
For your chance to win a yearÃ¢ÂÂs subscription to the greatest magazine in the universe, remember to enter FourFourTwoÃ¢ÂÂs end-of-season competition.
New Real Madrid president Florentino PÃÂ©rez is considering taking a sponsorÃ¢ÂÂs name for the Santiago Bernabeu stadium.
All you have to do is send your helpful ideas on who they should be and why to firstname.lastname@example.org by the end of Thursday June 4 (legal note: usual FFT terms and conditions apply), with the best suggestion winning the prize of a lifetime.