Premier Sketch: Alarm clocks, atheism & top drawer saves

Chelsea fans will be searching for the alarm clocks hidden underneath the piles of half price Fernando Torres shirts in the Chelsea Megastore - after all, if their side is to have a chance of winning something, they're going to need to wake up their back four.

The inability of the Blues defence to turn up for their biggest game of the season looks to have handed Manchester United the title, although it could also have been down to Javier Hernandez’s friend upstairs? 

United now need just a point from their final two matches against Blackburn and Blackpool to seal the championship; commentators all over the country will be rehearsing their 90 minute (or 98th depending on who’s winning) babble about Liverpool finally being knocked of their perch all week.

Goal of the week was scored by Everton’s Leon Osman during his side’s 2-1 home win over Champions League chasing Manchester City. It was quite some feat from the 4ft5 midfielder to out-jump City’s towering centre backs and power a looping header over England’s No. 1 Joe Hart.

City tried their hardest to achieve a last minute slip and finish outside the top four, but unfortunately on Tuesday night Peter Crouch was the difference between Tottenham and City for the second time in a year - firing into his own net to put City in with a chance of getting knocked out of the qualifying rounds of the Champions League...

Spurs finally dropped the Draw Specialist’s favourite comedy keeper, Heurelho Gomes. The Brazilian has an uncanny knack of pulling off ’top draw saves’ and stopping penalties but unfortunately for his team, no sooner has he tipped the ball round the post he’s rugby tackling an opposition striker in the box to give away another.

Blackpool’s Charlie Adam was the main beneficiary this weekend, using his “cultured left foot” with pinpoint accuracy, Gareth Bale’s ankle can vouch for that.

On Monday night Fulham’s keeper Mark Schwartzer was auditioning for a slot in between a North London team’s sticks by handing the opposition – on this occasion Liverpool - a handful of goals, including a second hat trick in just over two weeks for Maxi Rodrigez.

See you next week, I’m off to return a football back to the City of Manchester stadium, Edin Dzeko’s effort has just landed in the back garden.