The world according to Zlatan
When Zlatan Ibrahimovic suffered knee ligament damage in a Europa League clash with Anderlecht in April, many feared the worst. Having won trophies in the Netherlands, Italy, Spain and England in a magnificent career, it was widely opined that a player in his mid-30s would either have to hang up his boots or move to a second-tier competition such as MLS or the Chinese Super League.
Instead, Ibrahimovic signed another one-year contract with Manchester United in the summer, before completing his comeback far quicker than anticipated with a substitute appearance against Newcastle in November. With the Swede set to play an important role as United challenge for silverware under Jose Mourinho, headline writers will be licking their lips at the thought of post-match interviews filled with controversial barbs and withering put-downs.
Here are the best Ibrahimovic quotes to date.
25. Seeing the funny side
“I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am.”
No explanation needed, really.
24. One of a kind
“Swedish style? No. Yugoslavian style? Of course not. It has to be Zlatan style.”
Ibrahimovic’s response when asked whether his roots influenced how he played his football.
23. Beckham loves Bieber
"We were looking through his playlist in the dressing room – there was lots of Justin Bieber, Jonas Brothers and Selena Gomez. It is nice to know that even David Beckham doesn't have good taste in everything."
There’s a compliment for former PSG team-mate Beckham in there somewhere…
22. Only one winner
“[Oguchi] Onyewu resembled a heavyweight boxer. He was nearly 6ft 5in and weighed over 15 stone, but he couldn’t handle me.”
Ibrahimovic – at least according to his account – got the better of his former Milan colleague in a training-ground bust-up.
21. Biggest prize of all
“What do you mean, 'present?' She got Zlatan.”
Explaining why his fiancé went empty-handed after the couple announced their engagement.
20. Who needs money anyway?
"Give them a bicycle with my autograph and that will be enough.”
Not the smartest suggestion on how to remunerate female footballers.
19. A humble soul
“I came like a hero, left like a legend.”
The centre-forward’s modest take on departing the French capital in 2016.
18. The mane man
“Lions don’t recover like humans.”
Zlatan explains why it only took him seven months to return to action following a knee ligament injury.
17. Room service
"We are looking for an apartment; if we do not find anything, then we will just buy a hotel."
On setting down – extremely lavish, if necessary – roots in the French capital following his move from Milan to PSG in 2012.
16. A rare lack of success
“I'm not used to winning nothing – it's the first time it's happened to me. I'm disappointed. It's a failure.”
After failing to win Serie A with Milan – the first time he had not scooped a league winner’s medal in eight years – in 2012.
15. How did Man United cope?
“An injured Zlatan is a properly serious thing for any team.”
After being struck down with a calf problem during his time at Barcelona. Well, they do say honesty is the best policy…
14. Shunning the moral high ground
“People trash-talk me. I’ve heard so much s**t over the years: ‘F****** gypsy’, stuff about my mum – all that stuff. I retaliate with my body, not with words.”
You’ve been warned: don’t mess with the taekwondo blackbelt.
13. PC Zlatan
“‘It was a joke,’ I explained. The cops laughed, but a photographer appeared and snapped a photo. Idiot that I was, I put on a huge grin. You can imagine what happened next.”
On defusing a situation whereby he and some pals pretended to be police officers while stopping a sex worker and potential client in Malmo.
12. Not one for jargon
“Then Guardiola started his philosopher thing. I was barely listening. Why would I? It was advanced bullshit about blood, sweat and tears, that kind of stuff.”
Why Ibrahimovic was never likely to be joining the blue half of Manchester in the summer of 2016.
11. Balls to that
“[Pep] Guardiola was staring at me and I lost it. I thought 'there is my enemy, scratching his bald head!'. I yelled to him: 'You have no balls!' and probably worse things than that.”
Further evidence of why the Swede is more of a Mourinho man. Let’s hope Zlatan never loses his hair.
10. Rock, paper...
“Mido picked up a pair of scissors and flung them at me. It was completely nuts. The scissors whizzed past my head, straight into the concrete wall and made a crack in it. I went over and gave him a smack, but 10 minutes later we left with our arms around each other. Much later I discovered our team manager had kept those scissors as a souvenir, to show his kids.”
On another run-in with a team-mate, this time Egyptian striker Mido – and what it was worth to his coach.
9. Team-mate love
“I didn’t injure you on purpose, and you know that. If you accuse me again I’ll break both your legs, and that time it will be on purpose.”
A spat with Rafael van der Vaart, who was then his club captain at Ajax, during a friendly between Sweden and Holland (Van der Vaart had injured ankle ligaments and blamed a tackle by Ibrahimovic).
8. Do you want onions with that?
“First I went left, he did too. Then I went right, and he did too. Then I went left again, and he went to buy a hot dog.”
Describing how he twisted the blood of Liverpool defender Stephane Henchoz.
7. Football’s Supreme Being
"Only God knows... You’re talking to him now"
Before a World Cup play-off clash with Portugal in 2013, a reporter had asked Ibrahimovic what the outcome would be. Based on this, you’d have expected him to craft a more palatable ending – Sweden lost 4-2 on aggregate.
6. Utility man
“I can play in the 11 positions because a good player can play anywhere.”
Potentially good news for Jose Mourinho if he needs to trial yet another left-back this season.
5. Not one to make a scene
“At Barca, players were banned from driving their sports cars to training. I thought this was ridiculous – it was no one’s business what car I drive – so in April, before a match with Almeria, I drove my Ferrari Enzo to work.”
Zlatan has only ever been one to make an entrance.
4. Vitamin C
“What Carew does with a football, I can do with an orange.”
The players’ relative merits may not cause much debate, but when Ibrahimovic heard Norway’s John Carew question the need for his tricks and flicks in 2002 the riposte was short and oh so sharp.
3. Sorry EA Sports
“I don't think that you can score as spectacular a goal as those of Zlatan in a video game - even though these games are very realistic these days."
FIFA 18 and others are no match for a real-life Ibrahimovic.
2. Turn off the TV
“One thing’s for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch.”
A parting shot after the dream of captaining Sweden at a World Cup died at the hands of Portugal in a qualification play-off ahead of the 2014 finals in Brazil.
1. No auditions
“I was like, 'No way, Zlatan doesn't do auditions', I thought. 'You either know me or you don't and if you don't know me you can't really want me'.”
On the – apparently humiliating – prospect of a trial with Arsenal in 2000. Another for Arsene Wenger’s long list of ‘players I almost signed’.
