Alexis arrives, Bojan blubs & Kaká runs out of credit

There was grinning and gushing, shrieking and spurting in the Catalan capital last weekend, as there was finally something for Barça fans to talk about aside from how stupendously superior they are to every other side on the planet and how much they hate those dastardly dastards over at the Bernabeu.

Alexis Sánchez and Udinese finally came to an agreement with Barcelona in a deal worth â¬26 million up front, â¬11.5 million in variable fees and an odd little clause relating to  friendlies worth â¬6 million that nobody in Spain is really that sure about...

However, Serie AâÂÂs balance with Barcelona remains equal, as the Italian league is gaining bowl-haired Bojan, with the little forward being flogged to Roma for not being particularly good over the past couple of seasons.

However, the wee nipper sees things slightly differently, and blames Pep Guardiola for his exit. Coming over all Samuel EtoâÂÂo/Zlatan Ibrahimovic, he whinged: âÂÂ[Guardiola has] not been fair to me many times and thatâÂÂs one of the reasons IâÂÂve decided to go.âÂÂ

"Yeah, well you can't flog me, because I quit..."

Up in the Spanish capital, Atlético Madrid are having their usual pre-season freak-out, with a couple of 45 minute long matches against Granada and Besiktas seeing the Rojiblancos twice defeated and twice failing to score - not exactly great preparation for ThursdayâÂÂs Europa League whopper against Norwegian outfit Stromsgodset. WhatâÂÂs more, Kun Agüero surprised nobody by failing to show up to training as ordered on Sunday.

However there was good news, with the club having an offer to fill the vacant spot on the front of the clubâÂÂs shirts from Ashley Madison, a company that âÂÂassistsâ those not exactly happy in their relationships in finding 'joy and happiness' elsewhere. 

âÂÂItâÂÂs a good fit for us,â explained a spokesman for the company where good fits are a speciality. âÂÂItâÂÂs a club that ends stereotypes and is an innovator.âÂÂ

AS have once again given Kaká a good old kicking for his somewhat flaccid performances in Real MadridâÂÂs pre-season matches in the USA, claiming the forward âÂÂis beginning to run out of credit.â LLL would note that Kaká began having his footballing credit card declined by Madrid fans a good 12 months ago.

Kaka chills out in the LA sun, while some other men play a football match

Meanwhile, âÂÂMou Team 2.0â - as Marca now like to call them - are still trying to bring Neymar kicking and screaming over from South America. despite the Santos player and president being not overly keen on the notion and their manager, Muricy Ramalho, claiming the forward wouldnâÂÂt enjoy the technical discipline of life under Mourinho. âÂÂThe problem with Neymar is that he canâÂÂt play in a fixed position,â opined the Brazilian boss on his wandering star.

Valencia have solved their ongoing disciplinary issues once and for all by issuing the famous, but often pointless, code of conduct that will soon be propping open Miguel BritoâÂÂs front door to save him from trying to get his key in the lock at seven in the morning.

Finally, LLL had discovered the unluckiest player in la Liga in the form of Rayo Vallecano's Javi Fuego. The midfielder has experienced the process of administration at Sporting, Levante, Recreativo and now with his current club.

âÂÂUnfortunately I know quite a lot about this,â sighed the midfielder, who is quite possibly the worst footballer in Spain to ask if you can borrow a tenner...