The F1-Hating Weekend Predictions - Round 27


Xerez (20th) v Tenerife (18th)

Tenerife boss, José Luis Oltra, cuts a lonely figure down in the doom zone by being the only manager in the bottom five to have started the campaign with his club.

But in case that situation changes after Saturday’s inevitable away defeat to Xerez, Marca nipped in, this week, and chose Oltra as the target of their “anything but footballi” interview - a feature that is a natural extension of the paper’s “anything but football” editorial line for the other pages.

One topic of conversation was Spain’s obsession with gossip and a face-falling character who found fame due to a love of plastic surgery and the ability to get knocked up by a bullfighter.

“It reflects our society a little bit; it’s losing its values,” sighed Oltra. “Everyone knows Belen Esteban and nobody knows the name of the minister of culture or health. Including me.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Deportivo (6th) v Valladolid (19th)

Valladolid have been in the Madridista bad books all week due to their fairly forthright ways against their visitors on Sunday night.

But despite stamps, stabs and some ankle-threatening tackling, Valladolid boss, Onésimo, felt that “it wasn’t a violent game.”

Onésimo: "It's just handbags, really..."

LLL is dying to see what hellish kind of death match the portly Pucela man would consider to be a niggly encounter.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic (7th) v Getafe (8th)

Athletic Bilbao have published the plans and designs for their nifty, €173m stadium which will begin construction once a large chunk of the cash required to build it can be squeezed from the coffers of the local government.

The new 55,000 capacity super-duper San Mamés will be built alongside the current ground and will contain bars, restaurants, car parks, swimming pools, a museum celebrating Castilian culture and quite possibly some space to park a Basque Thunderbird 2.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (1st) v Sporting (12th)

It’s been a busy, busy week in the 27th circle of hell where Marca have their offices. It has been spent moaning about players tackling Cristiano Ronaldo and - LLL is not making this up - praising the footballer’s god awful, grease-laden hair in a one page special.

The good name of Muhammad Ali was tarnished with the editor presenting the former boxer with one of their tacky Marca Legend awards.

Fabio Capello has been discussed as a replacement for Manuel Pellegrini - again, LLL is not making this up - and the paper has gone about its business of doing their Real Madrid masters’ dirty work by messing with other team’s heads before key encounters.

"I float like a butterfly, sting like a Ronaldo freekick to the knackers"

Before the first Barcelona clash, the ludicrous idea of Andrés Iniesta moving to the Bernabeu was a hot topic. Against Valencia it was Davids Villa and Silva.

In the clashes with Sevilla, the paper pondered over potential bids for Diego Perotti and Jesus Navas, only to go very quiet once the matches were over.

“It’s no coincidence that Madrid are trying to destabilise a rival before a game...Navas will come to the Bernabeu and do them over,” claimed Sevilla president, José Maria del Nido, in a prediction that sadly failed to come true before their clash a fortnight ago.

With Atlético Madrid due in a week’s time, Marca have shot their bolt very early, like Ever Banega hearing his mother’s footsteps approaching, by claiming that Real Madrid have targeted Kun Agüero as a summer signing to play alongside Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaká, Benzema, Wayne Rooney, David Silva, David Villa and Jesus Navas.

“The dark object of desire for Madrid,” said Wednesday’s edition - a story that Atleti president, Enrique Cerezo, responded to by admitting to Marca that “the deal is done. Kaká, Cristiano, Higuaín and a bit of money.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (14th) v Sevilla (4th)

The hopeless, stodgy blob of tissue, fat and gristle that is the brain of Barcelona VP and presidential candidate, Alfons Godall, sparked into life, this week, and - unsurprisingly - got him into all sorts of trouble.

Godall thought that he would alienate a large chunk of his electorate by insulting Spanish racing drivers, Fernando Alonso and Jaume Alguersuari, for the heinous crime of not being Barcelona fans.

After Sunday’s Bahrain Grand Prix, Alfons wrote on his Facebook page (which offers up all kinds of ideas for blog mischief) that “I don’t like F1 with Madridista and Perico drivers,” and complained that the extremely popular Alonso was “Spanish and a Merengue.”

Whilst the Formula 1 leader has so far stayed silent on the affair, Espanyol fan Alguersuari has responded in a storming letter and points out that “being an Espanyol fan doesn’t prevent me from deeply admiring Pep Guardiola and his formidable football team,” whilst noting that his father is a Barcelona socio.

“I didn’t mean to offend anyone,” was Godall’s meek reply. Good work Alfons!

LLL Prediction - Draw


Málaga (15th) v Villarreal (9th)

As has already been widely published, Albert Riera did his Liverpool career no end of good by being rather mean and nasty about Rafa Benítez during a phone interview with Radio Marca.

"Why does he always ignore me!?" *sobs*...

Whilst some may mock the midfielder for a lack of media awareness, the blog suspects his tantrum was aimed directly at the ears of Villarreal who have been linked with a summer time move for the extraordinarily limited midfielder.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Mallorca (5th) v Atlético Madrid (10th)

“Drat and double drat!” shouted the ham-stuffed goons organising the Spanish football calendar as Kun Agüero’s second goal went in against Sporting.

The Argentinean’s strike sealed Atleti’s move into the quarterfinals of the Europa League and made it that little bit harder for them to find a date for the Copa del Rey final this blog suspects will be played sometime in August.

However, the marvellous mini-man can now rest up during Sunday’s visit to Mallorca, with Kun suspended after picking up five yellow cards - two for time-wasting (and that doesn’t just mean playing for Atlético Madrid), one for arguing with the ref, one for diving and one for a nuts tackle in last week’s clash with Osasuna.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Osasuna (13th) v Racing (16th)

Sergio Canales’ recent stunning run of no goals in lots of games has apparently convinced his new owners, Real Madrid, that this kind of form is needed straight away at the Santiago Bernabeu.

Potentially in a desperate move to may Kaká look prolific in comparison, AS is reporting that the idea is being discussed in the corridors of Castle Greyskull of the young forward joining this summer, a year earlier than intended, especially if Racing continue their current voyage to the second division.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Valencia (3rd) v Almería (11th)

“I’ve never seen such a game,” claimed Unai Emery. “Mad,” said hat-trick hero, David Villa. What were they discussing?

Valencia’s 4-4 draw with Werder Bremen that saw the side moving through to the Europa League quarterfinals, that’s what.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Zaragoza (17th) v Barcelona (2nd)

Not that it normally stops the blog anyway, LLL has nothing to amusing or witty to add to Barcelona’s wonderful victory over Stuttgart aside from the fact that the quarterfinal clash with Arsenal could be quite tasty.

So it will sign off with the highlights of the Messi show and some truly “Oui! Oui! C’est magnifique!” commentary from France-land.

LLL Prediction - Home win

*You can catch La Liga Loca in pundit mode on RMTV's weekend preview show, Extra Time, repeated over the weekend on Sky Digitial 446*

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