A man’s crippling need for football has seen him pathetically glued to the Confederations Cup in a desperate attempt to feed his addiction.
Ever since the Premier League season ended, Roger Albright from Somerset has spent his days studying squad lists and his evenings hunched over coverage of FIFA’s ninth-most prestigious tournament.
Colleague Matt Turner said: “Ever since the Champions League final, Roger’s been restless and pale. He was shivering all the time and counting down the days to the Community Shield.
“He clearly wasn’t sleeping much, which I assume is because he was watching MLS streams all night. Then the other day he asked me if I could hook him up to the Chinese Super League, which is when I knew he had a problem.
“Now he’s really gotten into the Confederations Cup in a major way. He’s talking a lot about Ajdin Hrustic and André-Frank Zambo Anguissa. He’s been calling it ‘the Confed’, for crying out loud.”
Albright admitted that he had watched every minute of the Confederations Cup so far, but insisted he could stop any time he wanted.
He said: “Look, it’s only an addiction if it’s bad for you. I don’t see how learning the names of Chilean squad players and American referees while getting better acquainted with what Russian stadiums look like from the inside can be anything but healthy.
“It’s one of the most underrated tournaments, actually, alongside the African Nations Championship, and the Gold Cup, which I will watch in its entirety as soon as the Confed is over to stop me getting the shakes.
“Then it’s only 11 days to the Community Shield. I can do this.”
Turner added that at least Albright hadn’t succumbed to watching the Under-21 European Championship, meaning there might be hope for him yet.
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