Hammers boss Allardyce removes self from Pontiff frame

We are part of The Trust Project What is it?

Back of the Net's Paul Watson reports that Big Sam won't be giving up the Boelyn for the Vatican...

West Ham manager Sam Allardyce has moved to curb speculation that he will become the new head of the Catholic Church when his present Hammers contract expires this summer.

Pope Benedict XVI is set to become the first Pope in 600 years to leave by mutual consent citing ‘disappointing recent results’ and admitting that at 85 years of age he had ‘lost a yard of pace’.

There will be no shortage of candidates for the Catholic hot seat, but, despite leading West Ham back to Premier League comfort, Sam Allardyce won’t be throwing his hat into the ring.

“[Big] Sam is completely focused on leading West Ham to survival,” a spokesman for the straight-talking jowl hoarder told FourFourTwo.

“Of course he’s flattered at being touted as a potential Pontiff and I think his successes at Bolton, Blackburn and, to a lesser extent, West Ham, show that he has what it takes to exercise the Petrine ministry. But, I want to stress that Sam’s focus is very much on Tottenham at home.”

While Prefect Emeritus for the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, Francis Arinze, is widely seen as the frontrunner to replace Joseph Ratzinger, Allardyce is instilled as second favourite with most bookmakers at 15/2.

Odds on the Dudley native shortened considerably after an unusually theological press conference following West Ham’s 2-1 defeat to Aston Villa in which Allardyce skirted over his side’s poor recent form, preferring to stress the importance of ‘dealing with the challenges of secularism and materialism in the western world’ before likening Mark Noble to the ‘victim soul of St Gemma’.

At 58 years old, Allardyce would be young for the role, but his conservative brand of effective football is said to have impressed many in the Vatican.

“Allardyce is seen by many as the kind of man who could go to 7.30am mass at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul and get a result. He’s all about winning ugly and that’s what we need,” a Vatican insider told FourFourTwo.

“On his day, Ratzinger produces some beautiful, flowing homily, but all too often he’s guilty of trying to pass it in.”

More from Back of the Net
Fulham awareness at an all-time low, survey shows
McLeish leaves Forest by mutual catapult
New edition of Lovers' Guide contains copious Berbatov references
Man City target revealed to be Renaissance philosopher
Tragedy as Man Utd unravel Zaha, instead of unveiling him
Pardew forced to admit Newcastle new boy has melted

QPR new boy Loïc Rémy promises “some kind of spree”

All Back of the Net blogs >>