The Irate Weekend Preview - Round 28
Recreativo (18th) v Murcia (19th)
Almost everything that comes out of his mouth is objectionable, but it still gives La Liga Loca a warm and fuzzy feeling to have Javier Clemente back in the football fold. Like the mad shouting man of MalasaÃÂ±a who has gone AWOL, the blog missed Javier's rantings more than it thought it would.
After a stint with Serbia and a flirtation with Iran, the basket case from Barakaldo has now been charged with the futile task of saving Murcia from relegation. And mouthing off to the press, of course.
Clemente thinks that Primera's current campaign is a lot of old toss - alarmingly, an opinion the blog has to agree with. "This is a horrible season. We are seeing two teams who can win the league despite having poor campaigns", opined Javier, who also found time to have a pop at a group of Murcia fans who, with some time to kill, turned up to training on Wednesday to yell at the players. "They should shut up, even though things aren't going well". Quite. Home win.
Deportivo (16th) v Real Madrid (1st)
The Nicolas Cage story has more legs that a mutated millipede. Although Julian de GuzmÃÂ¡n's, 'I'll not have a shag for a year, if I score", promise was diverting for a while, it is RamÃÂ³n's CalderÃÂ³n's farcical fawning of a Nicolas Cage impersonator at last week's Roma match, that is still making more waves than Maniche falling off a gondola.
Marca ran a interview with Paolo Calabresi, the Con Air con man, with the Italian confessing that, "the ambassador of Mexico invited me to his country, this summer."
It seems the only person at the Bernabeu to recognise the Leaving Las Vegas liar was Totti. The Italian striker spotted Calabresi and cried, 'SeÃÂ±or Cage!' before winking, revealed the genius joker.
The rampant reporting of the spoof has got Marca into all sorts of trouble according to elconfidencial.com who write that RamÃÂ³n CalderÃÂ³n personally called media outlets to put a lid on the embarrassing affair with the threat of cutting off exclusives to those ignoring his request.
Marca opted to put the prankster on the front cover with Roberto Gomez accusing the Bernabeu bigwig of having turned into a "frivolous, distant, rancourous and vengeful person." Draw.
Betis (15th) v Athletic (13th)
If things weren't already bad enough for battered old Betis - Lucifer as their owner and a stadium that will collapse at the backfiring of a bus. Now, it's the threat of something that would strike fear into the heart of any football fan - the arrival of Pascal Cygan.
Villarreal have finally come to the conclusion that the defender is a calamity and will be offloading him in the summer. To the city of Seville, it seems.
"The manager told me that Betis have asked about me, but I know nothing", confessed the one man French farce.
Valencia (9th) v Sevilla (6th)
In many ways, it's quite lucky that it's off the field antics that makes the headlines in Valencia, these days. The alternative is no better. This week, Juan Bautista Soler stepped down as president at a press conference where he read a statement in the same disdainful, uninterested manner as he might read a vegetarian menu.
Soler cited ill health and the disappearance of his favourite vol-au-vents from board meetings as the reason for his resignation, although he will still be looking after the affairs of the club, as the majority shareholder.
The new puppet president is best business buddy, AgustÃÂn Morera, who called for unity at the club, which is as much use as La Liga Loca calling for the sun not to rise. Or Fernando Gago to score a goal.
"We have to improve our image, from the first person who picks up the phone", declared Morera, with Soler's lips barely moving. Away win.
Villarreal (3rd) v Zaragoza (14th)
Despite being unbelievably inconsistent, Villarreal are having quite a good season. And this is mainly down to their ability not to get caught up in all the trivial, referee-insulting, shirt-changing, manager-sacking crap just about every other club in Spain's top flight loses itself in.
This week's most exciting story from the Yellow Submarine involves a plan to increase the stadium capacity to 3,200 in time for next year's expected Champions League campaign. Home win.
Getafe (10th) v Racing Santander (5th)
If La Liga Loca didn't already get enough strange looks because of its recent drunken experiment with Botox and a marker pen, it would get down on its knees Wayne's World style and do a 'we're not worthy!' bow to Getafe.
A cracking performance on Wednesday night saw an injury-hit side go through to the UEFA quarters against Benfica - with a peach of a goal from Juan Angel AlbÃÂn.
"Gavilan was offside and I saw the keeper was moving forward", revealed the Uruguayan striker. "Pato told me that Quim (stop sniggering) comes off his line a lot". Draw.
Espanyol (7th) v Mallorca (11th)
Mallorca have launched a brand new incentive scheme to get their previously flagging footballers to do some work, for once. It appears that if you fail to pull your weight down at the Ono Estadi, then it's off to Siberia with you.
That's what has happened to Guillermo Pereya who has been flogged to Lokomotiv Moscow (and yes, La Liga Loca knows that Moscow is not in Siberia). And a similar fate almost befell Dani GÃÂ¼iza when he rejected an offer from Rubin of Kazakhstan.
Considering Mallorca won their last match, 7-1, it's a tactic that may well be working. Home win.
Valladolid (17th) v Osasuna (12th)
It's another thrilling edition of News from Sweden, today, with those randy Scandies ramping up for the Eurovision Song Contest. In attempt to counter the truly abysmal Spanish entry - which Juan Carlos ValerÃÂ³n admits to having as his ringtone, something deserving a hefty boot to the knee - the Swedes have lined up some impressive talent. This particular entry from Christer SjÃÂ¶gren is La Liga Loca's favourite. Home win.
AlmerÃÂa (8th) Barcelona (2nd)
La Liga Loca would like to write an insightful piece on why Thierry Henry has cited missing his daughter as a reason for his disappointing performances, this season. But it can't.
That's because the person next to the blog in its cafe is on frickin' Skype being talked through how to load photos onto his frickin' Facebook profile. He may well be adding one of him with a teaspoon where his eyeball used to be, before too long. Draw.
AtlÃÂ©tico Madrid (4th) v Levante (20th)
The memories of this particular encounter from last season are still too raw for the blog to return to the CalderÃÂ³n for another dose. The 1-0 stinker still produces an involuntary shudder from anyone who was unlucky enough to be there that day.
This year's fun-packed football-fest is between two of the biggest whiners of the league, with both clubs constantly complaining about slights against them by the man in the middle.
"We only ask respect from the referees", bleated Levante's Alex Geijo - a similar plea being given by all and sundry at AtlÃÂ©tico. Home win.
You can catch Tim Stannard on Real Madrid TV's 'Extra Time' at 22.05 GMT on Sky Digital channel 446 - and repeated over the weekend.