The Loathing Luca Toni Weekend Preview - Round 32.
Valencia (14th) v Racing Santander (5th)
Quite possibly the hands down, no-doubt-about-it, all-bets-are-off, worst buy of the season since La Liga Loca gave Guti an instruction-less colouring book for his birthday is Nikola Zigic.
The Serbian 'gigantÃÂ³n' moved from Racing Santander to the Mestalla last summer for around 20 million euros and has achieved diddly squat since.
And that's not necessarily Zigic's fault, considering Ronald Koeman has favoured David Silva, Arizmendi and Courtney Love ahead of the lanky finisher.
"He's not let me show him the real Nikola Zigic," sighed the possible impostor this week as he looked ahead to taking on his old team. Instead, Zigic looks set to move to Real Sociedad over the summer should they clamber out of the Segunda where they are currently fourth. But at least Nikola can take some valuable lessons with him.
"I have to be honest, I've not learned much here," he revealed. Or not. Draw.
Nikola Zigic: the worst buy of the season?
Recreativo (17th) v Barcelona (3rd)
La Liga Loca had forgotten about Xavier Sala MartÃÂn, despite his tendency to dress like Elton John after a bottle of tequila. The BarÃÂ§a director first came to prominence a couple of summers ago when he stood in as president when Joan Laporta forgot to call elections. However, the bitch is back.
The Colombia University economics professor confirmed this week that two or three of the Barcelona squad were more Maniche than Messi in their dedication to the footballing profession. "Some moments they're lazy," he revealed, "then they have enough money and women and they work well."
It's all stuff and nonsense declared everyone else at Barcelona in one true voice. "Ronaldinho has never been isolated from the group, it's a lie," burped d'inho's Mr 50%.
"His words are a lack of respect and are totally false," declared the perm-haired Carles Puyol on MartÃÂn's revelation that the club has been faking injuries to cover up the absences of the terrible trio, thought to be Deco, Ronaldinho and Marquez.
For those readers in Spain, the Recreativo vs Barcelona game is due to be televised on La Sexta or Telecinco. Or both. Or neither. Draw.
Valladolid (15th) v Atletico Madrid (4th)
With most teams in Spain you have to hold your nose a little and try to disassociate the players and fans of the club and those who lead it. But this is nearly impossible with AtlÃÂ©tico Madrid and Enrique Cerezo.
The current AtlÃÂ©tico president - found guilty of cooking the club books not that long ago let's not forget - was at a dinner hosted by AS declaring that clashes between the rojiblancos and Valladolid were always parties. Then the name of Jesus GÃÂl came up.
"I was, am and always will be a friend of Jesus GÃÂl," sobbed Cerezo recalling a monster who went to jail when one of his buildings collapsed, killing 58 people, and who was lucky enough to die before being thrown into the slammer for stealing from Marbellan tax payers to fund the Vicente CalderÃÂ³n club.
"Jesus GÃÂl managed to live how he wanted, doing what he wanted," said Cerezo admiringly. And considering AtlÃÂ©tico have just been fined for the 12th time this season for a lack of crowd control it's a tradition that his heir seems keen on continuing. Home win.
Betis (10th) v Levante (20th)
It could be all over for Levante on Sunday afternoon should they fail to beat Betis at the Manuel Ruiz de Lopera. And La Liga Loca has completely lost track of why they are playing the game there. As have the Spanish footballing authorities it seems.
The glimmer of hope in what could be the bleakest of weeks for the impoverished players of Levante is the hope that they might, just might, get paid for their season's efforts with negotiations ongoing between the club and the local council over the thorny issue of a loan. Home win.
Getafe (12th) v Zaragoza (18th)
La Liga Loca used to be fairly indifferent to all things Luca Toni. Not any more. The Italian's finger to the lips celebration of his soul-destroying, spirit-crushing and Getafe-eliminating goal has put him into the same blog black list as Andy / Lucas and the half-wits who are digging a hole in the same place outside La Liga Loca's flat for the second time this week.
From the King to Casillas - all of whom were in the Coliseum crowd on Thursday night - Spain felt Getafe's pain.
"They were the best team on the pitch," admitted Otto Hitzfeld. "For me Getafe were the winners," said Raul, another spectator (as he was against Mallorca). "I don't remember such a modest team ever doing something like this," declared a heartbroken Michael Laudrup, "now please excuse me while I blow my brains out." Away win.
Luca Toni seals his place on La Liga Loca's blog black list
Espanyol (7th) v Osasuna (16th)
The latest player to hurl his toys out of the footballing pram has been Espanyol's Albert Riera who has gone from hero to zero quicker than the departure of a gaggle of girls in La Liga Loca's cafe who have just been asked to buy more than one coffee between nine.
"When we lost 4-0 to Murcia, I was the only change made in the team," whined the international winger. And this has not gone down well at all with either his team-mates or his coach. "I understand that footballers want to play, but unity is more important in a group," growled Ernesto Valverde. Home win.
Deportivo (13th) v Athletic Bilbao (8th)
Sunday's return to Deportivo for last season's coach JoaquÃÂn CaparrÃÂ³s is bringing back some happy memories for Fabricio Coloccini.
"My relationship with him is completely over," grumbled the defender during Thursday's flash backing press conference. "Now, everyone enjoys themselves a lot more," admitted Coloccini, ignoring the fans in his assertion. Draw.
Mallorca (11th) v Sevilla (6th)
This week's news from Sweden was very nearly the tale of a Swedish professor publishing a report that recommends young women not to wear bras. But it's this.
"Selling ice cream and candy with enticing melodies ought to be outlawed because it is connected to child obesity. The suggestion comes from Bo SjÃÂ¶berg, a professor at the Sahlgrenska Academy in Gothenburg, who compares the repetition of ice cream trucksÃ¢ÂÂ jingles with modern torture methods." Home win.
Real Madrid (1st) v Murcia (19th)
Maverick manager Javier Clemente has been on fine form this week, firstly with his threat to park a bus or even a train in front of his team's goal on Sunday night. And secondly with his ruminations that "the people (at the Bernabeu) who sit behind the benches are super rude."
And that has outraged one humourless, pompous, clearly not-getting-any Real Madrid fan club president. "Clemente is inciting violence and instead should be calling for calm," ranted JosÃÂ© Emilio. Home win.
AlmerÃÂa (9th) v Villarreal (2nd)
Still in a big blog sulk with Villarreal's performance last weekend against Sevilla. Home win.
You can catch Tim Stannard in poor punditry action on Real Madrid TV's La Liga gabfest 'Extra Time' from 22.05 UK time and repeated over the weekend - Sky digital 446.