Manchester City presumed to have beaten Stoke on Wednesday

Nobody seems to have watched the whole match in Manchester, Back of the Net can reveal. 

Premier League officials are trying to ascertain the result of Manchester City's recent meeting with Stoke, but have admitted that we may never know what happened at the Etihad Stadium on Wednesday evening.

As the world reflected on Barcelona’s miraculous triumph over Paris Saint-Germain, top-flight administrators realised with a jolt that Manchester City had been playing Stoke at the same time as the Camp Nou epic.

Despite a series of increasingly frantic calls to people they expected to be at the Etihad Stadium, nobody has been found who can remember the game taking place.

Sergio Aguero

Aguero was reported as looking dazed when asked to recall Wednesday's game

Few details

I called Manchester City players, staff and even Pep Guardiola himself, but we just ended up talking about the Barcelona game

- Premier League source

“I called Manchester City players, staff and even Pep Guardiola himself, but we just ended up talking about the Barcelona game,” a source at the Premier League told FourFourTwo.

“Sergio Aguero said that he couldn’t recall taking any shots on goal and speculated that the game had maybe been abandoned, while Mark Hughes was pretty adamant that Stoke had bundled a winner in, but when pushed to say who scored even he couldn’t think of who it was.

“We started calling the 52,625 fans who were reported to have attended the match, but all of them insisted they were actually watching the Camp Nou thriller and were glad not to have missed such a historic football moment.”

Manchester City Stoke

"We're not really here"

Back to Barça

With pressure mounting on the Premier League to issue an updated league table, a meeting was called at which it was decided that Manchester City ‘almost certainly won 1-0 or 2-0 or something’.

The probable goals have been awarded to Aguero and Leroy Sane, while Ryan Shawcross has been given a yellow card and Mark Hughes was issued a severe cold.

“We’re disappointed,” Hughes told FFT as he loudly blew his nose. “But on the other hand it’s hard to imagine a scenario where Man City squander a host of half chances and we hold out.

“Anyway, did you see that Barcelona comeback?” 

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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