The Media Cave-Dwelling Weekend Predictions - Round 6

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Saturday

Tenerife vs Deportivo

The midfielder in the middle of the malaise couldnâÂÂt give a monkeyâÂÂs muff about the legal battle to come and is just giddy that this most peculiar of parts of his professional life has come to end.

âÂÂI have lived through a nightmare,â wailed the drama-Queen Lafita. âÂÂI had to train in strange places. Everyday was something new, a constant soap opera.âÂÂ

LLL Prediction â Home win

Barcelona vs Almería

His latest âÂÂinfamy, infamy, theyâÂÂve all got it in for meâ outburst saw the paranoid president attacking those out to get him - i.e. disagreeing with him - as part of âÂÂa Spanish media caveâ who detest the somewhat conflicting concept of a âÂÂmore Catalan and universal Barcelona.âÂÂ

Laporta then spoke about the threats he receives on a  daily basis from those wanting to âÂÂcut off my legs, arms and kidnap my children.âÂÂ

La Liga Loca suggests a simple solution to LaportaâÂÂs problems: a number block on Samuel EtoâÂÂo's mobile.

Atlético Madrid vs Zaragoza

La Liga Loca normally begins Atlético updates with a familiar lament of "Oh dear". This week, thatâÂÂs simply not strong enough.

So, itâÂÂs a huge "Oh dear, oh dear" as the Rojiblancos go into Saturday's steamy late-night encounter with Zaragoza having suffered another Champions League disaster with a 2-0 defeat at Porto.

The midweek clash saw the Atleti squad down to bare bones â almost literally, with second-choice keeper Roberto limping off to be replaced by the Peter Crouch-esque David De Gea, making his first-team debut in the lamentable loss.

However, the defeat wasnâÂÂt all bad, said manager Abel Resino who pointed out that âÂÂuntil 1-0 it was a very even game.â In La Liga LocaâÂÂs limited experience, most draws tend to be.

Fancy catching AtleticoâÂÂs latest footballing disaster while toasting your cockles at home? Follow a live blog via Twitter feed from the Vicente Calderón on Saturday from 21.45 Spanish time.

Xerez vs Málaga

Fresh from a wicked week of lust with every available lady in Andalusia after gaining their first point of the season, the footballers of Xerez are now ready for their next mission â their first goal. At the right end.

And that moment is about to arrive, says Xerez midfielder Abel Gómez, who notes that âÂÂthereâÂÂs not much difference between the rivals weâÂÂve played against, except Real Madrid. ItâÂÂs just been a matter of small details.âÂÂ

In this particular context, "small details" is a euphemism for "goals".

âÂÂSpirits are suffering after four defeats in a row,â admitted Villarreal manager Ernesto Valverde. ItâÂÂs starting to get hard.âÂÂ

But everything is going to be all right on Sunday night â well, afternoon â says La Liga Loca with the blog predicting a double-figure scoreline against Espanyol. Oh yes.

"Must do better," says the axe-sharpening blog.

LLL Prediction  - Draw

Week in, week out, this season, Getafe have either been quite brilliant â as seen in wins against Racing and Valencia â or completely s**t.

âÂÂWe have to show we want to win from the first minute,â mused Swiss midfielder Fabio Celestini. âÂÂIf Madrid drop by just one percent, they still win. If we drop by just one percent then we lose.âÂÂ

âÂÂWe play one good game, then relax,â explains striker Roberto Soldado, giving a hint towards happy times for Getafe on Sunday afternoon.

With the Mestalla man unable to boot the usual trouble-making suspects out like Carlos Marchena and David Albeda, he takes the clubâÂÂs ruinous roadshow to Racing on Sunday to face a team that the blog cannot decide are half-decent or a bit poor.

Aside from producing first halves that make you think that the concepts of hell and purgatory are quite real after all, one of the changes Florentino Pérez has brought in has been to swing the look and feel of the Real Madrid match day âÂÂpalcoâ - or VIP presidential seats - even further to the right.

And thatâÂÂs some achievement, considering that Ramón Calderón was part of the somewhat conservative Opus Dei clique that runs a significant chunk of the country.

Seated with Florentino II for the past couple of home games has been  former Spanish Prime Minister José Maria Aznar.

The current left-leaning and Barcelona supporting PM José Luis Zapatero has as much chance of ending up in the same spot as being able to deliver a speech without moving his arms up and down in the manner of a drunkenly-operated Thunderbirds puppet.

The mutual loathing between the pair came to a head this week in Copenhagen, where both were attending MadridâÂÂs inevitable second-round defeat in the Olympic Games vote. 

Pérez bumped into Zapatero and immediately turned into something resembling a gloating 15-year-old Liverpool fan on a message board, as cameras of Spanish TV station La Sexta recorded.

âÂÂWe are the only team in Europe that has won all their league and Champions games,â boasted little Florentino, peering up at the looming figure of his Prime Minister.

âÂÂIâÂÂm not going to point out that there is another team that is playing well,â replied Zapatero, stooping to hear Pérezâ boasts.

âÂÂThereâÂÂs another team thatâÂÂs drawing,â smirked Florentino. âÂÂThatâÂÂs playing well,â corrected Zapatero with a fixed grin.

And so it went on until the Real Madrid president warned that âÂÂthis year, your time has come.âÂÂ

If only firing squads hadnâÂÂt fallen so out of fashion in Spain.

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