Mourinho out, then back in, as Supercopa squabble investigation looms

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La Liga Loca must admit that it is currently strutting about in the good old US of A and enjoying five successive days of breakfast buffets and maple syrup-drenched bacon yummy goodness, and is therefore catching all the news from la Liga in one giant, seven hour-delayed data-burst.

And what an dramatic day Tuesday turned out to be, with headlines of “Mourinho quits!” “Mourinho doesn’t quit!” “Mourinho apologises for being a classless tool!” “Mourinho doesn’t apologise for being a classless tool!” bursting through the this blogger’s phone browser.

The first story began with a rumour that Mourinho had once again felt a lack of support from his bosses after the Supercopa eye-poke and wanted to leave through the back gates of Mordor, ignoring the fact he had gotten his immediate superior, Jorge Valdano, fired over the summer and that no Madrid suit was ever going to agree that it’s perfectly acceptable to jab someone in the eye without some kind of prior warning...

The rumour spread through Spain in earnest after a message detailing Mourinho’s high huffiness levels was apparently issued by the Portuguese’s advisor/spokesman, Eladio Paramés, thus giving it some credibility. However, the message came from a phone that Paramés claims he hasn’t used for a year and was not a genuine one.

The story forced Mourinho to publish a sprightly, exclamation mark-dominated message on the club’s website denying he was leaving Madrid.

Jose invites Vilanova to 'come and have a go if he thinks he's hard enough'

“There is no way I am leaving. No way!” yelled the Special One’s special letter, which boasted of his Madridismo being greater than “some pseudo Madridistas.” The memo then offered what came as a complete surprise to LLL - an apology for his behaviour in the Supercopa. Well, sort of...

The Madrid manager sounded like he was completely stark-raving mad by bleating that “some people are better adapted to the hypocrisy in football than I am, and they hide their faces and speak in whispers deep inside tunnels.” Tito Vilanova obviously didn’t hide his face well enough, it would seem.

It turned out to be a busy day in the club’s media department, as the poor office minion who must often find himself asking “you really want me to publish this? Really?” had to repeat his question when the club published a paranoid rant of a statement in response to the announcement that the RFEF would be investigating the antics of both José Mourinho and Tito Vilanova during the Supercopa clash.

“Real Madrid CF wished to express how surprised it is to see this investigation is being ordered five days after the match, curiously just a few hours after the President of FC Barcelona demanded the Spanish Football Federation take action,” read the tin-foil hat-wearing club's statement, before plumping for the “they started it” defence by blaming Barça for “humiliations, insults and aggressions” against the players and coaching team on the pitch and in the tunnel.

Florentino Pérez must now be desperately hoping the currently stalled talks over the players’ strike somehow become unstuck before the weekend, as the football-free news agenda is merely causing the Supercopa stink to go on and on and on and on. Although, as the head of the institution, Pérez must surely be shouldering some of the blame.