References to killing Kinnear creeping into Pardew pressers

Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew is now spending a significant portion of press conferences describing exactly how one might go about killing sporting director Joe Kinnear, Back of the Net can exclusively reveal.

Many were surprised to see Kinnear return to Newcastle in the summer given his contempt for everything to do with the club, and his disappearance in 2009.

Others suggested Kinnear may not have the nous needed for a directorial role given his lack of discernible experience and proven inability to pronounce the names of any members of the Newcastle squad, or indeed the name of the city itself.

It was widely suggested that manager Pardew would struggle to work alongside Kinnear and, although the tactician has denied any tension, there are signs of wear.

“We're doing OK so far,” Pardew told journalists ahead of Newcastle's trip to Villa Park this weekend.

“Now we just have to focus on another big game coming up. Oh, that and cutting the brakes on Kinnear’s car.”

When asked to repeat his statement, Pardew instead discussed the disruption that the touted departure of Yohan Cabaye had caused to his preparations.

“We'd planned for Yohan to leave and he didn't, so it’s obviously tough to adapt at such short notice,” Pardew explained.

“I mean, someone could just kick Kinnear on the back of the calf when he’s at the top of the stairs and that’d do for him,” he continued in a stage whisper, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Nobody would ask any questions. Man fell down the stairs. Happens all the time. You know, I doubt he’s got more than a pint of blood in him these days.”

Sources inside Newcastle United have confirmed to FFT that Pardew has been behaving oddly and recently offered to rewire a troublesome plug socket in Kinnear’s office before mumbling ‘rewire it good’ and trailing off laughing maniacally.