The Six-Fingered Weekend Predictions - Round 37

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Villarreal (6th) vs EasyValencia (5th)

And so two fine, upstanding, terrific teams must face the humiliation of a bruising barnyard scrap in their chase to overhaul... (sigh) ...Atlético Madrid in fourth place. Oh how low has la Liga sunk?

While Villarreal went about their business this week in their normal, quiet, professional, blatantly boring way, Valencia were buoyed by the visit of some fans to their training ground - supporters who came to lift the spirits of the side as they face the final two matches of the season.

Of course, what with Valencia fans being Valencia fans, this is absolute nonsense.

Instead, a potty-mouthed posse went to the club’s training camp to yell abuse at the squad and accuse them of being “a UEFA Cup team" - a wholly incorrect and unjustifiable statement. They meant “Europa League team," of course.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (up top) vs Osasuna (18th)

La Liga Loca was planning to stay loyal to its adopted home - only by handy extradition loopholes, mind  - and cheer Barcelona all the way in next week’s Champions League final.

But it simply doesn’t think it can handle the consequences of what would happen should Pep’s Dream Boys pick up the treble.

The puke-inducing Catalan press are already impossible to bear, so only Zeus himself knows what would happen should Barça win Wednesday’s Roman rumble.

“Never before has Barcelona been so respected, feared and admired,” writes Sport's Josep Maria Casanovas, a man who doesn’t seem at all concerned that he has a girl’s name.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (3rd) vs Deportivo (7th)

Friday’s AS reports that Deportivo manager Miguel Angel Lotina has finally come to the realisation that his stable of ‘strikers’ are an absolute shower of, er, shame and is set to ditch a bunch of them over the summer.

Four of those set to be pushed out into the Bay of Biscay are Riki (26 apps, 6 goals), Mista (13 apps, 1 goal), Omar Bravo (9 apps, 1 goal, returned to Mexico) and Bodipo (19 apps, 4 goals).

What Deportivo need now is the phone number of a club willing to buy their hopeless, misfiring, waste of space cast-offs.

Quite possibly a phone number with a Newcastle prefix.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Getafe (16th) vs Numancia (19th)

Normally, when Vicente del Bosque talks one should listen. Except this week when he appears to have supped several bowls of silly soup.

When asked to comment on the latest names being thrown into the hat of those looking to be fired five months into a contract with Real Madrid - a hat that now includes Laurent Blanc, Michael Laudrup and Brian Molko from Placebo - the Spain manager suggested temporary Getafe coach Michel.

Molko: "We'll play four-four-two in four-four time"

“He’s the Guardiola of Madrid,” opined the man who was not sexy enough for Florentino Pérez some six years ago.

And it’s a fine theory apart from the small fact that Guardiola brought promotion to Barça’s B team after just one season in charge and is on the brink of winning the treble with the big boys.

Michel, on the other hand, managed to relegated Real Madrid’s second side and failed to promote Rayo Vallecano during his spell at the club.

Just like Guardiola, then.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Recreativo (20th) vs Racing (12th)

A Friday wouldn’t be a Friday without La Liga Loca’s hopeless prediction on the weekend’s dog of a game that turns out to be a brilliant blinder.

LLL Prediction - Draw (and a goalless one at that)

Valladolid (13th) vs Sporting (17th)

Goodness grief, this match has caused all manner of trouble and strife this week.

It all began when Valladolid sent just 1,859 tickets to the institutions at Sporting, costing a rather steep 75 euro each.

“Gits!” was the reply from the club that generally takes the entire population of the town to every away game.

“We want the Zorilla to be full of Valladolid supporters and not Sporting fans,” explained the quite cool Pucela president, Carlos Suarez.

Sporting’s response was to threaten to send 4,000 to the match, with a good 1,500 of those without tickets.

“Fine!” said Valladolid’s city authorities.

“We’ll just stop you getting anywhere near the town,” was the stern message but “without overlooking the rights of the citizen,” explained local suit Cecilio Vadillo on Valladolid’s plan, which completely overlooks the rights of the citizen.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Málaga (8th) vs Betis (15th)

Betis - the Venus fly trap of la Liga - looks a tempting treat to those footballers that don’t know better.

But they soon discover that death or the loss of limbs is the only way to escape.

It appears that there could be quite a few departures from the club this summer, with Capi, Emana and Odonkor just three players who have all expressed their desire to get out of Dodge and the clutches of De Lopera.

Clambering over their bodies in the stickiest of scrambles will be Arzu, who’s had eggs thrown at his car and was booed for his goal celebration against Almería last weekend.

“It was dedicated to my grandfather and daughter,” explained the very unhappy bunny. “The situation here is insupportable. All the normal people have gone.”

LLL Prediction  - Draw

Athletic (11th) vs Atlético (4th)

Having had three days off during the week, you’d have good reason to assume that the nothing-to-play-for Basque club will simply roll over and allow their tummies to be tickled by their visitors on Saturday night.

But shame on you for doing so, because Athletic have a very good reason to try their damnedest against Atlético Madrid - cold hard cash.

The end of the season in Spain has brought about the inevitable rumours of win bonuses being paid by teams C with an interest in the result of a match between A and B.

Suitcases: often stuffed full of Euro

In this case, it’s both Villarreal and Valencia looking for Athletic to do their Champions League chase a favour by stopping the current rojiblanco surge.

“It can’t be proved, but it’s no secret that Athletic will be on bonuses for this game,” nudge-nudged Jesús Hernandez in Friday’s Mundo Deportivo.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Almería (10th) vs Espanyol (14th)

Espanyol are the winners of this week’s Grumpy Sourpuss Taking Themselves Far Too Seriously award.

Noemi Rubio is a young lady who plays for the club’s women’s team alongside Luis García. But she is also...  gasp... a Barcelona fan.

Poor Noemi was outed on Facebook when photographed wearing the club’s colours and attending the Copa de Rey final.

When the images came to light, the female footballer was immediately suspended and it has been announced that her contract will not be renewed in June.

“She is conscious that she has damaged the feelings of members and fans of Espanyol,” wrote some idiot from Espanyol in a statement oblivious to the notion of freedom of expression.

LLL Prediction - Home win (and a heavy one too as blog punishment for petulance)

Real Madrid (2nd) vs Mallorca (9th)

The La Liga Loca curse continued this week with the withdrawal from the Real Madrid presidency race of Eugenio Martínez Bravo.

The blog had managed to have a chat with the candidate just a few days before and thought he would be a fine choice as the next Bernabeu bigwig on the grounds that he wasn’t a megalomaniac who wanted to stick a roof on the club’s stadium.

Unfortunately he’s not a billionaire either, which means he's unable to raise the 57 million Euro required to stand in the race.

But that left room for another candidate to announce his plans for the club should he win June’s presidential poll.

Juan Onieva was a VP under Lorenzo Sanz and fancies another crack at the club’s expense account.

In an entertaining presentation, Onieva revealed his plans to make Hugo Sánchez his manager, hand over 3 percent of Madrid’s budget to unemployed members who are struggling to pay their mortgages and make Barack Obama an honorary member of the club.

But most entertainingly of all, his slideshow featured a photograph of a cheery, waving JFK - with six fingers.

LLL Prediction - Home win

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