The Character-Lacking Weekend Predictions - Round 7
If a plastic surgery and showbiz analogy can be stretched to its furthest possible boundaries without snapping back and hitting La Liga Loca on the forehead, then the self-proclaimed Ã¢ÂÂbest league in the worldÃ¢ÂÂ is not dissimilar a slightly past-it, tart-with-a-heart, working-in-a-diner, boob-jobbed Michelle Pfeiffer: perfectly acceptable fare if you happen to a be a taxi driver.
The enormous, pert, attention-grabbing knockers are, of course, Real Madrid and Barcelona, but the overall affect is ruined for most picky punters by an enormous, hair-sprouting mole above MichelleÃ¢ÂÂs top lip.
This weekÃ¢ÂÂs unfortunate and unwanted growth in la Liga is Deportivo, who are taking the fourth-place guest spot in the continuing AWOL-ness of Valencia, Villarreal and AtlÃÂ©tico.
But despite the evidence apparently showing that Deportivo (sigh) is one of SpainÃ¢ÂÂs top sides at the moment, professional misery bags, Miguel Angel Lotina, will not let one moment of happiness sneak into SaturdayÃ¢ÂÂs opening encounter against 3rd-placed Sevilla.
Ã¢ÂÂThereÃ¢ÂÂs a certain euphoria amongst the fans and at the club,Ã¢ÂÂ droned the Depor boss, Ã¢ÂÂbut luckily this has not entered the dressing room. And nor will it.Ã¢ÂÂ
"Oooh, we're fourth. Whoopy-bloody-do"
In the opposition camp for the clash in La CoruÃÂ±a, Luis Fabiano has given another Paul McCartney, thumbs aloft, Ã¢ÂÂI love it, here, me!Ã¢ÂÂ message to Sevilla fans with his gleeful confession that his Ã¢ÂÂcontract is running out and, in time, this will help my departure.Ã¢ÂÂ
Once Sevilla have disposed of DeportivoÃ¢ÂÂs body on Saturday, Real Madrid entertain Valladolid, opposition considerably less sexy than AC Milan, WednesdayÃ¢ÂÂs visitors to the Bernabeu.
And this is why Guti has suddenly come down with another unfortunately-timed injury which may just heal by Sunday morning.
After all, the Real Madrid midfielder missed a training session last week due to a back twinge but ended up playing a full round of golf later the same day.
At 10pm, Valencia host Barcelona with the club pulling a fast one on the injury status of David Villa - or so the blog suspects.
But the really fun stuff regarding this fixture is the superlative stirring from the Madrid press in regards to institutional affairs at the Camp Nou club.
AS report that Joan Ã¢ÂÂJoanÃ¢ÂÂ Laporta is set reward Joan Oliver, the corporate director general in the centre of the spy-gate affair, by increasing his salary from a piffling Ã¢ÂÂ¬240,000 to Ã¢ÂÂ¬800,000.
And looking at the substantial size of the fella, this can only be good news for the Catalan pie industry.
An opposition supporters group is set to report Laporta to the Spanish Plod, arguing that the club president is not in the position to make this crisis-busting move for his best buddy.
Ã¢ÂÂLaporta is a genius in farce and manipulation,Ã¢ÂÂ jÃ¢ÂÂaccused BarÃÂ§a socio, Robert Blanch.
Laporta himself is pictured in FridayÃ¢ÂÂs papers looking as happy as Florentino PÃÂ©rez in a suit shop, holding a burning torch and surrounded by flags at another Catalan independence event.
Ã¢ÂÂPoliticians have tried to shut me up many times,Ã¢ÂÂ said the Barcelona president in a speech. Unfortunately they have all failed.
SundayÃ¢ÂÂs 5pm encounters are headed by Xerez against Villarreal, with the first bottom-dwelling outfit involved in a buyout and the second facing a possible change in manager if Ernesto Valverde royally balls things up in Andalusia.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs been an entertaining week in Cornella-land with EspanyolÃ¢ÂÂs RaÃÂºl Tamudo crying like a big girlÃ¢ÂÂs blouse due to the clubÃ¢ÂÂs sporting directors coming out and accusing the striker of seeking a departure in January and refusing the captainÃ¢ÂÂs armband after the death of Daniel Jarque.
Ã¢ÂÂIÃ¢ÂÂm very angry about what happened,Ã¢ÂÂ blubbed the rodent-faced ranger.
Ã¢ÂÂI donÃ¢ÂÂt deserve to be treated the way I have been lately and donÃ¢ÂÂt understand why this is happening.Ã¢ÂÂ
"Why God? WHYYYYYYYYY???"
Former Espanyol boss, Paco Flores, agrees that the pouch-possessing poacher has been given a rough ride by the club where he has been for 57 years.
Ã¢ÂÂWe are copying the worst aspects of that other lot (possibly Barcelona? LLL) because they never let any player leave through the front door.Ã¢ÂÂ
Mallorca are hoping for decent turnout, for once, for the visit of Getafe.
But they will be peeing in the wind as home crowds have yet to go above 11,500 mark so far this season.
Ã¢ÂÂI donÃ¢ÂÂt know whatÃ¢ÂÂs going on,Ã¢ÂÂ shrugged midfielder Tuni on the distinct lack of local interest in the clubÃ¢ÂÂs footballing affairs.
Zaragoza face Racing and MÃÂ¡laga host AlmerÃÂa, with the only notable nodule of news from the second encounter is that referee Mejuto Gonzalez will equal the Spanish record of officiating in 248 matches.
Unfortunately, the man in black may not be able whistle blow many more as he has reached the local retirement age of 45.
And this is why he is said to be contemplating a move to the Premier League where he would have four more years of ruining perfectly good games.
In praising the style of the English game, GonzÃÂ¡lez says that he tries to copy it by claiming that Ã¢ÂÂthe referee should earn the respect of a footballer, not the fear.
"Although sometimes I see myself on TV and scare myself with my gestures.Ã¢ÂÂ
At 7pm, Sporting and their 15,000 or so travelling fans trundle up to take on Athletic before the latest round of action closes with AtlÃÂ©tico losing to Osasuna in Pamplona.
Another topsy-turvy week at the Vicente CalderÃÂ³n saw manager Abel Resino adopt that cunning tactic of insulting his own players - not without good reason, mind.
He complained that Ã¢ÂÂthe dressing room lacks characterÃ¢ÂÂ and possibly predicted his imminent dismissal by declaring that Ã¢ÂÂthe club would be managed with an English model. Spanish football simply doesnÃ¢ÂÂt believe in projects.Ã¢ÂÂ
Deportivo vs Sevilla (Away win)
Real Madrid vs Valladolid (Home win)
Valencia vs Barcelona (Draw)
Xerez vs Villarreal (Away win)
Espanyol vs Tenerife (Home win)
Mallorca vs Getafe (Home win)
Zaragoza vs Racing (Draw)
MÃÂ¡laga vs AlmerÃÂa (Home win)
Athletic vs Sporting (Home win)
Osasuna vs AtlÃÂ©tico (Home win)
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