The Incredibly Accurate Weekend Predictions - Round 5

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Real Betis (17th) vs Real Madrid (3rd)

A few months ago Rámon Calderón was babbling about mysterious types lurking in the shadows who were out to get him. Which is perhaps the only thing he will ever have in common with Guti. Apart from the fact that if you put your ear to both their skulls, all you would hear is "if you're going to San Francisco" playing on a loop.

By coincidence, Joan Laporta was sharing these fearsome fantasies, too. It seems that paranoia and panic attacks are very much en vogue in the world of Primera presidencies these days.

"... be sure to wear some flowers in your hair"

On Tuesday, Real Madrid published a stroppy statement saying it would be launching an internal investigation to find yet another leak after more damaging stories were published in the - some suggest - Florentino Perez friendly press. 

The first was the allegation that family and friends of Calderón and co were being bumped up the ‘socio’ waiting list.

The latest ‘j’accuse’ comes - not for the first time - from Spanish radio station Cope, and a show that has seems to have ‘Calderón is a big fat liar’ as an editorial line.

They allege that fancy-dan UEFA protocol tickets are finding their way into the hands of a marketing and events firm, “Il Consigliere” and being flogged for as much as 400 euros a pop on the black market.

The company is registered under the name of Ignacio Horcajada - the fixing-fellow who, by coincidence, ran Calderón’s successful election campaign two years ago.

“It’s all Perez related smearing,” is the message from Ramón’s camp. “There’s no smoke without fire,” say others. Who is to say who’s right? Certainly not La Liga Loca who has no desire of being sued into oblivion.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Sporting (20th) vs Villarreal (2nd)

Sporting manager, Manolo Preciado suggested that he may have to eat his words on Wednesday night after predicting that Real Madrid’s style of play might suit Sporting better than Barça’s.

In the right mood, La Liga Loca would be launching into an Alan Partridge style rant about words being shoved into a bun, covered in mayonnaise and served up with a side salad. But La Liga Loca has decided to take Sporting under its wing this season.

The ‘hey we’re going to lose, so let’s go down fighting’ approach deployed against Sevilla, Barcelona and Real Madrid has been admirable. Highly unsuccessful with 17 goals conceded, admittedly, but admirable none the less.

“After four rounds none of our players are knocked down or in the ICU,” boasted the Sporting coach after Wednesday’s thumping.

Let’s see what state they are in after the last of the fearsome four come a’calling on Saturday night.

LLL Prediction - Away win.

Espanyol (8th) vs Barcelona (6th)

The competition is closed. All entries can go back to where they came from. The contest for the finest moment ever in the potty Primera is over. And the winner of this prestigious prize is.... mad Sammy Eto’o.

It was minute 79 in the Camp Nou and Barcelona were on the brink of buggering things up big time against Betis. But then Gudjohnsen stuck a foot out to direct the winner home.

On the touchline, Pep Guardiola did a discrete fist pump. And then this happened (36 second mark for replay).

"You touch me again and it'll be the last thing you do..." 

La Liga Loca has not seen an evil stare of such ferocity since the day Maniche was confronted by a salad and Diet Sprite.

“His look was asking ‘what the hell do you think you are doing?’” recalled Mad Sammy with a smile.

LLL Prediction - Draw.


Malaga (19th) vs Real Valladolid (9th)

Malaga striker and rampant right winger - in the footballing sense, of course - Salva Ballesta has a few days to kill having been sent off during Thursday’s 0-2 defeat to David Villa.

So he may want to give possible new potential best buddy Cristian Abbiati a call after the former Atlético Madrid keeper’s revelations that he leans towards the Fascism camp in the wide world of politics.

“I like the capacity Fascism had to secure law and order,” sighed Milan’s man.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Almería (7th) vs Recreativo (14th)

After complaining about the team’s style of play after last weekend’s 1-0 win over Malaga, Gonzalo Arconada was as it again on Thursday night. But this time, the Almería manager was ruminating on his team’s  2-0 defeat to Valladolid.

“They were superior to us,” admitted Arconada before admitting that his players were not used to the pitch.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Athletic Bilbao (10th) vs Getafe (11th)

Getafe’s Joffre Guerrón continues to make friends and influence people. Having been embroiled in bruising bust up’s with two buddies already, it seems that that short-tempered winger is going for the whole set with his declaration to the Ecuadorian press that “my team-mates are jealous of me.”

The physical preparations’ bod of the Ecuador national team feels that there is a very different motivation for his charge’s difficult start to his Getafe career, which saw him booed by some parts of the Coliseum crowd on Wednesday night.

“Everyone knows that in Spain, racism is deeply-rooted,” said Holguer Gonzalez.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Racing (18th) vs Mallorca (13th)

When José Jurado left Atlético Madrid over the summer to move on loan to Mallorca, La Liga Loca could not have been happier.

Not because it has any particular grudge against the former Madrid midfielder but because the blog’s Calderón life was set to become considerably easier. And so did that of many others.

La Liga Loca’s lair in the rojiblanco home is some distance from the pitch. And quite high up. Atlético’s squad numbers are the same colour as the shirts. And Jurado is quite small and has dark hair.

So this made him look like half of the blooming team, meaning that the most popular statement amongst jazz cigarette-smoking fans last season, apart from ‘wow, that’s good s**t!’ was ‘who on earth scored that?’

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Numancia (16th) vs Osasuna (15th)

If it wasn’t for bloody Osasuna failing to despatch Deportivo on Wednesday night, then La Liga Loca would have got 10, yes 10 out of 10, on it’s midweek predictions. A fine showing after the blog’s patting-itself-on-the-back eight from last weekend.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

"Man, Stannard's really going to be mad about this..." 

Valencia (1st) vs Deportivo (12th)

“We may be top of the table but there’s still a long way to go,” said La Liga Loca’s new hero, Unai Emery. “I’m only 50% satisfied.” (Sigh).

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Atlético Madrid (4th) vs Sevilla (5th)

There were a lot of cameras down at Getafe’s ground on Wednesday night. And they weren’t there to film the game. Instead, they were on the hunt for anyone who looked a little bit different. Or like a football agent.

The newly flushed Manchester City are reportedly looking to airdrop bags of cash into the Vicente Calderón over the summer to bring Kun Agüero to the City of Manchester Stadium.

And the cunning ploy may well work considering the news that broke this week that Spain’s increasingly irate revenue department is demanding a 24 million euro payment in back taxes from Atlético Madrid. And the rest of La Liga, no doubt.

Once - or perhaps if - that’s paid, Atlético will have to pull out the cash-stuffed shoe boxes once again and find another 79.2 million euros in back-back taxes and various penalties incurred for their law-dodging ways.

LLL Prediction - Draw