Shakira, a 21st century Di Stéfano and Vanilla Ice's haircut
Should AtlÃÂ©tico Madrid lose to Valencia on Saturday and Quique SÃÂ¡nchez Flores be given the elbow, then it will blooming well serve the Rojiblanco manager right for opening up a can of stinky, wriggly worms at the weekend when he commented that Leo Messi was an Alfredo Di StÃÂ©fano for the new century.
Real Madrid immediately responded with Jorge Valdano claiming that Ronaldo was Spartacus after his brace against Real Sociedad a day later, an assertion backed by the cover of Monday and Tuesday's edition of Marca, a paper that has Ronaldo claiming that Ã¢ÂÂitÃ¢ÂÂs an honour to be compared with Di StÃÂ©fano,Ã¢ÂÂ before confessing that thought the old fella wheeled in to attend all the clubÃ¢ÂÂs official functions was FlorentinoÃ¢ÂÂs Dad.
The Catalan papers have responded quite huffily - you can tell itÃ¢ÂÂs an thumb-twiddling international week - with SportÃ¢ÂÂs headline on Tuesday wailing pathetically that Ã¢ÂÂThey are going for Messi!Ã¢ÂÂ
Ã¢ÂÂMourinho says he gets tackled less! Valdano says Ronaldo is the new Di StÃÂ©fano! Cristiano is obsessed with Messi!Ã¢ÂÂ whines the front cover, referring to the Madrid managerÃ¢ÂÂs recent suggestion that little Leo gets an easy time of it from opposition defenders. Perhaps aside from TomÃÂ¡s Ujfalusi, we would suggest...
However, despite what the paperÃ¢ÂÂs lead claims, Josep MarÃÂa Casanovas writes that BarÃÂ§a donÃ¢ÂÂt care much for the Di StÃÂ©fano comparisons anyway - whilst giving Madrid a firm kick in the knackers for good measure.
Ã¢ÂÂDi StÃÂ©fano lead a Madrid in white and black that had all the favour of the eraÃ¢ÂÂs authoritarian Francoism. Messi, thanks to TV, has become a world star that collects titles and awakens passions.Ã¢ÂÂ
The Messi v Ronaldo Ã¢ÂÂwhoÃ¢ÂÂs got the biggest wangerÃ¢ÂÂ contest continues in the Madrid press with both Marca and AS pointing out that cold, hard, statistics prove that the latter is fouled more than the former. However neither organ could be bothered to discover the root cause of this, especially as Ronaldo was only the seventh most fouled player in la Primera, with JosÃÂ© CallejÃÂ³n topping that list, probably in retaliation for the Espanyol midfielderÃ¢ÂÂs beloved Vanilla Ice tribute haircut.
"Please stop fouling me - I've got an appointment with my stylist tomorrow!"
Those readers who hadnÃ¢ÂÂt lopped their own arms off, Ã¢ÂÂ127 HoursÃ¢ÂÂ style, to prevent them from turning more pages to read such nonsense would have missed some actual news tucked away in the middle of TuesdayÃ¢ÂÂs editions - the Spanish top-flightÃ¢ÂÂs fifth managerial casualty of the season.
New Racing owner, Ahsan Ali Syed, has decided to clear Miguel Angel PortugalÃ¢ÂÂs desk with the Cantabrian side having failed to win a league game since 12th November, managing just 17 goals all season - a record that leaves Racing in 16th.
The sacking also came a day after criticism of his tactics came from one of his own players, with AS reporting midfielder ColsaÃ¢ÂÂs complaints that, Ã¢ÂÂI canÃ¢ÂÂt move on the pitch, Lacen and I are alone against four guys.Ã¢ÂÂ
At a press conference on Tuesday, Portugal bid farewell after a 15-month spell in charge in Santander and revealed that Ã¢ÂÂIÃ¢ÂÂve never met with seÃÂ±or Ali. I suppose there was a business analysis of the clubÃ¢ÂÂs situation and this analysis decided that another manager should continue this evolution and thatÃ¢ÂÂs it.Ã¢ÂÂ
Apparently, the former coach was not the only one who has had no contact with his big boss, as none of the footballers have either. Ã¢ÂÂWeÃ¢ÂÂve still not met him, heÃ¢ÂÂs not been down to see us. ItÃ¢ÂÂs important that he comes and chats to us,Ã¢ÂÂ hinted goalkeeper, ToÃÂ±o.
In more frivolous news, Mundo Deportivo, have plastered their front page with a photo that Gerard PiquÃÂ© posted to his Facebook and Twitter account which shows the defender with a group of friends but also nestled nicely behind Shakira whilst celebrating his 24th birthday after SaturdayÃ¢ÂÂs win against AtlÃÂ©tico.
Ã¢ÂÂImpacto!Ã¢ÂÂ yells TuesdayÃ¢ÂÂs front cover with the paper reporting that PiquÃÂ© has used the photo to Ã¢ÂÂoutÃ¢ÂÂ his relationship with the booty-shakinÃ¢ÂÂ beauty - an action that will surely result in LLLÃ¢ÂÂs next trip to see Barcelona involving security and a distraught blog shouting Ã¢ÂÂsheÃ¢ÂÂs too good for you!Ã¢ÂÂ whilst being thrown out of the stadium.