The Magpies boss clung on to his job despite last weekend’s 4-0 hammering at Southampton, but his chances of avoiding the sack have been dealt another massive blow.
While Pardew’s seemingly endless supply of excuses seemed to be running short when he blamed the Southampton reverse on an undersea volcanic eruption some 12,000 miles away 91 years ago, he had always fallen back on his side’s impeccable form in the Super Ultra Hyper Mega Cup when confronted by owner Mike Ashley.
But at a crisis meeting this afternoon, an ashen-faced Pardew came clean that the prestigious competition is not only non-existent but isn’t even remotely plausible.
“The gaffer looked terrible when he left Ashley’s office [Sports Direct]. We knew it was bad because he didn’t have a big red and black bag full of reduced crap,” Mike Williamson told FourFourTwo.
“He called a team meeting and told us there was no easy way to say it but we were out of the Super Ultra Hyper Mega Cup.
“In a way it was a big blow to us because we’d been doing so well, but in another way it wasn’t much of a shock as I don’t think a single player in the dressing room had ever really believed it existed.
“We’d all been a little uncomfortable whenever the gaffer boasted about us getting an away win over Besiktas or moving to within six points of the final stage play-offs whenever Ashley was around.”
Pardew proceeded to take down a series of crudely Photoshopped pictures on the club noticeboard that showed mythical victories over Glentoran, Aston Villa and Germany and the accompanying fictional match reports that labelled a beaming Pardew ‘a totally competent manager’.
“I always thought that if we’d really beaten Boca Juniors 6-0 away from home, one of us would remember it,” Williamson continued.
“But Ashley seemed happy, so I didn’t really see the harm. I guess maybe we all got carried away by this alternate reality where Newcastle can win a game.”
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