Vogts hopeful everyone’s forgotten about Scotland by now

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It's a tough job market, and Paul Watson reports on one hopeful's careful CV editing...

The leading candidate for Poland’s managerial vacancy, Berti Vogts, is said to be pinning his hopes on the Polish FA forgetting that he used to manage Scotland, a detail that would probably rule him out for the post.

“Scotland didn’t go very well,” admitted the Euro 96-winning coach. “It’s probably best they don’t look too closely at what happened. There’s a reason it’s not on the CV.”

During his ill-fated 30 months in charge, Vogts led Scotland to its lowest ever FIFA ranking and recorded a number of demoralizing results, including reversals against Hungary (0-3) and Wales (0-4), along with a 2-2 draw with St Kilda, an uninhabited island in the Hebrides.

Indeed, the Tartan Army registered a mere 25% win ratio under Vogts, despite the ostensibly sensible policy of filling the team with non-Scots, who were statistically likely to be better footballers.

“I’m rather relying on the Poles remembering Euro 96, and then ignoring everything I did subsequently in my career,” Vogts continued. “Bayer Leverkusen sacked me after six months, Nigeria after a year. The Kuwait job went even worse than Scotland. Here, look at my Euro 96 winner’s medal.”

Berti and adoring fans in 2004

Perhaps the lowest point of Vogts’ Scotland reign was a 0-0 draw in Estonia, a game in which Scotland dominated possession but failed to register a single shot on target, despite their opponents boycotting the fixture.

Before any appointment, compensation would of course have to be agreed with Vogts’ current employers, Azerbaijan.

“We’ll pay them a million euros to take him off our hands,” said Elkhan Mammadov, chairman of the Azerbaijani FA. “In the last year we’ve lost to Kazakhstan and drawn with Singapore and Andorra. The Armenians are laughing at us, and they are short-legged criminals who lie with goats.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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