Weight Watching at the Camp Nou
It hurts when La Liga Loca types today. Oh it hurts. That's because La Liga Loca has plasters on most of its fingertips. And that's because La Liga Loca was up half the night making a brand new voodoo doll. And we all know what happened the last time, that happened. Well, Valencia fans do.
The brand new voodoo doll bears an uncanny likeness to Real Zaragoza owner, Agapito Iglesias - although it looks like he is suffering from bulimia due to the extraordinary stuffing demands of Soler's doll, last year.
The reason for this revenge on a club that the blog has always had a soft spot for is that they have now lost their second manager in a week. Last Monday, Ander Garitano was appointed after Victor Fernandez was rather cruelly kicked out. This Monday, the new boy swiftly became the old boy after Garitano handed in his resignation.
The reason cited for angry Ander throwing in the footballing towel after just seven days was his bosses complete refusal to kick Andres 'the Punk' d'Alessandro out of the club and to sign a new central defender - two requests of Victor Fernandez and two requests also turned down by his former know-better-than-you bosses.
Zaragoza have already moved in on Jabo Irureta as Garitano's replacement, once he has successfully completed the "will you do exactly as you're told, gimp-boy?" one question interview.
All this talk of voodoo hoodoo leads us nicely to Valencia. One of the many despondent men watching their crapulent capitulation against Villarreal, on Sunday, was new signing, Hedwiges Maduro - a player who looked like he had been promised Jessica Alba on a blind date, but had just seen Esperanza Aguirre walking into the restaurant.
The latest news from Mestalla is that Ronald Koeman, a man who knows a metaphor, has ordered that a wall is built to separate the players from journalists. But it is too late for one of their footballers as just about everyone got their grubby hands on David Albeda, on Monday.
The misfit midfielder revealed that he has had no contact from Juan Soler and he probably won't now, considering Aldeda told Marca that "he is the main person responsible for all this, not Valencia as an institution."
"They've done me irreparable damage and I'm going to fight for my rights," warned Albeda who should perhaps read David Beckham's "how to get back into favour" play-book.
Aside from making legal threats and working on his Sudoko skills, Albeda has been looking over offers from both Chelsea and Spurs. "I'm attracted to England. Especially London."
Valladolid's Joseba Llorente is very much the man of the moment in Spain with everyone wanting a word with the six-second striker. The forward revealed that the cunning plan to catch Espanyol off guard, when "Torrejon was still thinking about what he will have for tea," as one paper put it, came on the centre circle when his striking partner, Victor, turned to him and said, "Are you ready for a sprint?"
Victor told a neo-con tastic El Mundo - which cited Blitzkriegs and Sun Tzu's Act of War in their interview - that "we are going to have to find another new surprise attack."
Those evil doers at AS - and therefore, those evil doers at Real Madrid, as they are one and the same - have plumbed new depths by plastering Cristiano Ronaldo's mother on their front cover for Tuesday.
"Before I die I want to see my son at Real Madrid," pleaded a clearly being used, abused and manipulated Dolores.
The scumbag rag doctored a photo of Sergio Ramos and stuck Ronaldo's head on it for her to pose with, causing poor old Dolores to remark, "when did my boy play for Real Madrid?"
The other news from Castle Greyskull is that the 'is Pepe worth 30 million euros o'meter' has swung back towards the 'you're having a laugh!' end of the chart with the news that he faces yet another injury lay off. This time, for a month.
Missing from La Liga Loca's Monday report was Tomas Roncero's thoughts on the derby result - a result, rather annoyingly, he predicted correctly.
"I recommend that Aguero goes to England soon," said AS's ass, "like Torres did, so he can grow and one day he could play for Real Madrid." Not content with that gem, he went on to praise the Real Madrid supporters in the stadium, "the best fans since football was football." The riot police outside the Calderon, on Sunday, may disagree.
Roberto Gomez' love affair with Florentio Perez continues in Marca with a renewed attack on Ramon Calderon. "He was very bad," grumbled Gomez on the Real Madrid president applauding his players off the pitch, on Sunday night. "It's the second time he's stayed on the balcony to do that - the first was in the Camp Nou. He's either inconsistent or a provoker."
Over in the Kingdom of Cataluyna, Thierry Henry's latest inexplicable and rather disturbing goal celebration - which sees him giving himself a wedgie with his shorts - has upset at least one member of the Camp Nou camp.
"I didn't want him to score," confessed Victor Valdes, "I don't like his celebration at all." La Liga Loca is with you Victor.
In transfer news, Villarreal's Rio Mavuda goes to Lille on loan. Valencia's Sunny is set to be moved out of the club, having only just moved in. Atletico Madrid are looking at Juve's Tiago as their 'brain' after discovering Maniche didn't have one.