Cata Díaz, Question Marks and Courgettes

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For every ying in life, there must be a yang. For every Natasha Bedingfield there must be a Fiona Apple. And for every limping, lame mummy's boy like Vicente there must be a Cata Díaz.

And that's because Díaz, the Getafe centre back, has now played in thirty-four of his side's thirty-seven ames, this season. And the Argentine man of iron has only missed one of those three matches through injury, when his head was blown clean off whilst trying to prove - unsuccessfully - that he could catch a cannonball with his teeth, during training.

Even then he had to be held back by Michael Laudrup and seventeen security guards to stop him running onto the field, for the big match with Mallorca.

"I came here to play every game and I'm doing it", boasted the entertainingly dirty defender who started sixty six league games for Boca Juniors in two seasons, before his move to Spain.

One player who can honestly claim that he came to Spain park his footballing arse, is Gabriel Heinze.

However, due to Marcelo's disastrous displays, the former Man Utd malingerer is being thrown into Italian action in Real Madrid's Champions League tie against Roma.

And it would be no surprise at all if Italian television didn't create a CGI question mark above the Argentinean's head to follow him around the pitch, such are the doubts that Gaby will last the ninety minutes in the Olympic stadium.

"The match isn't coming at the best time," admitted Bernd Schuster who is missing Pepe, Robinho and Sneijder for the encounter.

However, Tuesday's game is a chance for the world "to see the true Real Madrid", says Roberto Carlos who is either grovelling gratuitously or predicting the mother of all maulings by the Serie A side.

The beep-beeping heard from the south side of Madrid is not coming from the endless construction work as the city attempts to build a river, but from Atlético Madrid president, Enrique Cerezo.

Less than twenty-four hours after pouring a big can of whup ass over the heads of his failing footballers, the cantankerous chief of the Calderón argued that henever meant to hurt the players' feelings and that he woulc "stand by the side until the very end". Or at
least the Intertoto Cup.

Cerezo, whose film production company has brought us 'In Search of Christ's Tomb' and 'R2 and the Case of the Headless Corpse' responded to criticism of his sullen storming of the home changing room after the defeat to Athletic Bilbao by claiming that, "I always go down to the dressing room, it wasn't just on Sunday". La Liga Loca can only imagine that the players must just love that.

Meanwhile, AS are reporting that Javier Aguirre will not be the ruler of the rojiblancos come the summer and that Rafa Benitez will be in charge.

As well as this sensational scoop, the sports daily must also be congratulated for reporting that 3,200 Bolton fans will be travelling to the Thursday's UEFA cup clash without using the word 'hooligan' - a genuine first.

Valencia are desperately trying to avoid Friday's big day in court when David Albeda is set to scream "you can't handle the truth!" in Ronald Koeman's face, as he looks to have his contract both paid off and cancelled.

Marca write that, on Monday, a meeting was held with the club's sporting Vice President, the midfielder and a fan club president.

Honestly, in Spain, lob a stone into the street and you'll hit some kind of president. La Liga Loca was once accosted in its lobby by a dubious man with slicked back hair, wearing his coat without his arms in the sleeves, proudly claiming to be the building president as if he was Hillary Clinton.

Then again, La Liga Loca used to live in Brighton and it was the same principle but with DJ's and web designers.

Zaragoza's Juanfran is still hopping mad over Saturday's penalty gaff against Barcelona. And still denying it was handball. Sort of.

"Perhaps the linesman has never jumped and doesn't know that you need to raise your arms", yelled the full back with his eyes popping out of his head as if he was being goosed by a courgette.

And that's exactly the kind of punishment to the referee that Zaragoza are calling for.