The Simon Mayo-baiting, inaccurate crossing Prem Previews

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Hang on, whatâÂÂs this? A keyboard? WhatâÂÂs that then?

Yes, after a break from blogging long enough for some 30-odd games to go largely unpredicted, your weekly diversion from the real world into rambling nonsense returns, as we take a look at the coming Premier League fixtures.

This was going to be a useful prediction but seeing as the office banter has descended into an occasionally vitriolic debate on the merits of El-Hadji Diouf after his most recent controversy, and specifically the evidence against him or lack thereof, itâÂÂs hard to get that out of the collective head. At least we all agree heâÂÂs a jeb-end, anyway.

ThatâÂÂs as much as youâÂÂre getting, Blackburn fans.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Diouf to sign for Chelsea in a part-exchange deal with Didier Drogba

Overheard in the 5 Live commissioning studios: âÂÂOoh, weâÂÂve got a 3pm kick-off â WHO ARE MAN CITY PLAYING?âÂÂ

CityâÂÂs nightclub bouncer âÂÂone in, one outâ policy means Edin Dzeko joins the club just as Mario Balotelli gets himself crocked, perhaps thwacking his giant head against a low beam.

According to Roberto Mancini, BalotelliâÂÂs fitness alone will determine whether Manu Adebayor leaves the club, which, while being a blow to the confidence, provides a dangling carrot for Adebayor. Expect an assassination attempt against Super Mario soon.

Dzeko, at least, has already made himself popular with the Sky Blues fans (sorry, apparently itâÂÂs âÂÂLazer BlueâÂÂ) by stating that more folk in Manchester support City than United, which is basically true. ThatâÂÂs not so much taunting as it is a statement of fact.

In the BosnianâÂÂs next interview, heâÂÂll announce to the world that United have been faring a touch better than their rivals in recent years but City have a bit of money behind them now.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Dzeko goes the whole hog and wees on a portrait of Sir Matt Busby

Back in the day â ie last season â this would be a horrible fixture, but not so much now. Bolton have been playing like Barcelona only can in their dreams (if their own fans are to be believed) and Stoke are showing considerable ambition in trying to recruit Demba Ba to improve their attacking prowess.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Stoke land Beckham on a one-match loan, only for the former England captain to sprain his ankle stepping off the London-to-Potteries train

What will happen: A mostly full-strength Stoke side, missing only Mamady Sidibe through a calf injury, match freewheelinâ Bolton and their four subs blow for blow â score draw

With Peter Odem-chicken-wingie and âÂÂCall Meâ Ishmael Miller both doubtful, Simon Cox will have a chance to score his first league goal this season for the Baggies. Apparently heâÂÂs a cousin of someone we know. Possibly.

ItâÂÂs some 46 years since Blackpool won at West Brom, but theyâÂÂll be knackered after giving it their all to beat Liverpool. Few people would argue it wasnâÂÂt worth the effort, but it does mean they might struggle here.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Boaz Myhill to find graffiti on his locker saying, âÂÂTHERE CAN BE ONLY ONEâ as Scott Carson cackles insanely in the background

What will happen: West BromâÂÂs lack of cover upfront to show as they fail to finish off a tired Blackpool

The Latics will be pleased by the news that Franco di Santo and Charles NâÂÂZogbia are back from injury and suspension respectively, although the highly useful Tom Cleverly joins Victor Moses and James McCarthy on the sidelines.

They may also be pleased to hear that Fulham havenâÂÂt won at Wigan since September 1992, when Roberto Martinez was in his first season playing professional football.

Sadly, Mauro Boselli has proven himself to be a waste of money for Wigan. Their record signing at ã6m, he finds himself shipped out on loan just months into his new start, slipping in the pecking order behind the likes of, well, Franco di Santo.

This is why you should not sign strikers directly from South American clubs. Oh, they can all whack them in for Estudiantes, but if theyâÂÂve not played in a top European competition before then they canâÂÂt do shit (see also strikers signed from the Dutch league). If you played Football Manager, Martinez, youâÂÂd know this.

What wonâÂÂt happen: An accurate prediction of a Wigan game, ever

TheyâÂÂre a funny old team, Ipswich. You could argue theyâÂÂre a barometer of Big Four form in the Premier League. If you can set one mutual opposition as a marker for how two teams are performing, what to make of Arsenal going down 1-0 to the Tractor Boys in a semi-final first leg after Chelsea demolish the same lot 7-0 three days previously?

Obviously, this would tell you Chelsea are in fine form, while WengerâÂÂs boys are struggling. But Arsenal got the better of the Blues just after Christmas, and have every reason to feel confident of keeping up the pace on the top two in this game against the Hammers.

You do wonder whether Wenger is ignoring the need for a world-class âÂÂkeeper through stubbornness or genuine myopia, though. If he doesnâÂÂt sign Given, or a similarly talented and available no1, in this transfer window heâÂÂs not doing his side any favours.

New loan signing Wayne Bridge may do West Ham a few favours, though, as heâÂÂs expected to start. Expect him to work on that 0% cross success rate from last season.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Bridge to land a cross on a team-mateâÂÂs head, ever

WhyâÂÂs this televised ahead of Sunderland-Newcastle then? High-flying Sunderland vs Crazy-Arse Newcastle or underachieving Birmingham vs underachieving Villa in a not-even-relegation-battle-because-theyâÂÂll-both-be-fine tussle?

Oh well. This game should be a âÂÂcrackerâÂÂ, with both teams âÂÂimpressingâ and âÂÂputting on a showâÂÂ. The result will be âÂÂ3-3âÂÂ.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Villa to miss the suspended Heskey

This isnâÂÂt even on radio? For flipâÂÂs sake...

What wonâÂÂt happen: Shola Ameobi to rack up the goals despite dirty looks from the jealous  and on-looking Andy Carroll

ItâÂÂs a big match-up for King Kenny in his first home game since his resurrection. It wonâÂÂt be an easy one, especially as heâÂÂll insist on sitting in the Kop End while Sammy Lee takes charge of proceedings.

Many managers would be under pressure, but Dalglish could get away with literal murder and still be loved in Liverpool, providing it wasnâÂÂt the ghost of Bill Shankly he laid to rest (presumably summoning the spirit first just so he could exorcise it and kill it again...sorry, havenâÂÂt really thought this one through).

What wonâÂÂt happen: Steven Pienaar to join Bolton, although it would be good to see them challenging the likes of Chelsea and Tottenham for his signature

Tottenham still havenâÂÂt beaten the Red Devils since 2001, and will rely upon attack rather than defence to break them down this time. Wilson Palacios holding in midfield (albeit not particularly well) should allow Luka Modric to play higher up the pitch, rather than ineffectually attempting to surge forward from deep.

Both Mark Lawrenson and celebrity pundit Simon Mayo predict Spurs to break UnitedâÂÂs unbeaten run in the league, so this blog is stubbornly going to predict an away win. So there.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Ickle Jonny Evans keeps a fresh Nemanja Vidic out of the team, prompting riots of such indescribable scale that not just one but all future Northern Ireland v Serbia games are forced to be played behind closed doors

What will happen: Genuinely an away win, perhaps with more controversy as Nani scoops the ball up from the centre circle with his hands and runs into the Spurs net. Referee Mike Dean does not see this...

Huw Davies

Huw was on the FourFourTwo staff from 2009 to 2015, ultimately as the magazine's Managing Editor, before becoming a freelancer and moving to Wales. As a writer, editor and tragic statto, he still contributes regularly to FFT in print and online, though as a match-going #WalesAway fan, he left a small chunk of his brain on one of many bus journeys across France in 2016.